The Recession Isn't All Bad

Whoever said that every cloud does not have a silver lining is a stupid cunt in my view. While we are all suffering in the current financial climate, (well I'm not, I have a relatively good job, tracker mortgage and didn't pay too much over the odds for my home), I am absolutely delighted to see some members of society are suffering more than others.

The first group of people that I take absolute pleasure in seeing dossing around the streets are taxi drivers. In my view taxi drivers are the scum of the earth, just above politicans who are the scum of the sub-earth. They are a bunch of pox ridden, foul smelling know-it-all's who have no discernible talent apart form being the new Dick Turpins of the highways. Who amongst us have not been robbed by one of these Aids ridden cunts. During the "boom" times in this country taxi drivers made so much money during the Christmas period that they could afford to take the entire month of January off and go on holidays. The one thing that they are supposed to be able to do, i.e. drive, they seem completely incapable of doing. Lanes, indicators, courtesy to other drivers are all foreign concepts to these cocksuckers. I hope you all die horribly in grisly car accidents you absolute cunts.

The second group to get a lash of the Celtic Recession are those purveyors of human misery, pub owners. Another group who during the boom time became absolute millionaires on the backs of people's greed and stupidity. Everytime a pub goes out of business in this country I have a little toast to myself.....using affordable beer purchased in a supermarket that tastes better than the cheap overpriced swill that passes for beer in Irish pubs.

The last group whom I personally would like to take a bottle of petrol to are the good people of Soundstore. If you're not Irish Soundstore is (again) a purveyor or cheap electronics at sky high prices. When I purchased my home a few years ago I had, like everyone else, to fit out the house with all the modern gadgets, i.e a fucking washing machine, toaster, t.v etc. I did my shopping in that kip that passes for a shop and my total bill came to two thousand, two hundred and twenty three euro and fifty cents. I should mention at this point that I had to purchase several tv cables at the same time and it was a cash transaction. When I asked the auld wagon would there be any discount for cash she just looked down her old, over made up nose and said "no". They wouldn't even throw in the cables. When I handed over the cash she said I didn't need to bother with the fifty cent. So for spending approximately half an hour with me I gave Soundstore enough money to pay this cunts wages for an entire month. Needless to say, I will never, ever ever spend another cent in that shithole. Everyone I meet I eventaully tell this story to and I encourage people not to spend any money there.

You may ask what side of the bed I got out of this morning. Well I write this article because over the course of the morning I have heard ad's for each of these scumbags (who minted it in the good times and forgot about delivering a fair customer service) and who now a on the skids bigtime. I have just one message for you, Rot in hell you fuckbags!!!

How Do You "Unfriend" Someone??

It seems today that everyone is obsessed with Facebook, or Friendpage as the IT Crowd hilariously lampooned it. It's become so mainstream that South Park recently devoted an episode to it. I must admit that I do not have a Facebook profile but recently, like Stan Marsh, find myself being pressured into getting one by friends and various interest groups. I must admit that in the past few weeks my resolve is beginning to weaken and I have become interested in what goes on within the walls of this community that I am (self) exiled from.



I understand that on Facebook you request to be someones "friend". Now as you may know I am not a "friendly" person. In fact the sight of other people generally gives me the liquid shits. And the very thought of interacting with other human beings puts me into a Howard Hughesesque state of apoplexy. The inevitable conclusion from accepting someone as a "friend" is that you can "unfriend" them if they, say, sleep with your wife, or shoot your dog, or fail to give you a sheaf of wheat on Farmville (or whatever the fuck people do on a virtual fucking farm)!.



This begs the question for me, how do you "unfriend" someone in real life. I was recently at a gathering (and before you ask, yes, it was a gathering of fucking people, not stones) and I made a cardinal error, for me, of acknowledging someones existence. It was a casual "how's it going" said more as a matter of course rather than any actual interest on my behalf as to the persons well being. I'm not sure who was more shocked by the exchange, me or him. We both continued on our way not a hundred per cent sure of what had just taken place. Now I find myself in the horrible situation of having to say "hello" everytime our paths cross.

I really did not want this. How the hell do I "unfriend" him. Can I take him aside and gently tell him I've made a horrible mistake and that he should never look in my direction again?? That seems slightly odd because it would be more words than I've ever said to him and in my attempt to "unfriend" him I may end up actually starting a conversation with him and getting on and becoming an actual friend. OR, what if he just looks at me blankly and asks who the fuck I am??

Ohh fuck this, why can't there by a button that I can click to just delete him from my list of friends!!! That's it, next time I see him I'm going to walk straight up to him and punch him in the fucking face...cunt!!

Cubaboy Triumphant

Cubaboy emerged triumphant last Friday night in the battle of internet n'er-do-well's. The bout, which took place at a temporary dwelling site inhabited by colourful inbred folk who trade in carpets and rubbish, was a one sided affair with Cubaboy dominating throughout.

"The bastard coated himself in lard and marmite and was constantly licking himself in between desperate lunges at my genitals", said Cubaboy, "he's just so desperate for man cock it's unbelievable. Either way I was wearing a cup so he would never have gotten next nor near my dick or balls. The insatiable desire for cock in his eyes really disturbed me but I turned it to my advantage and walloped the fuck outta him".

The fight was all but over inside a few minutes after The Wankster's brittle right wrist disintegrated after a mistimed lunge met with a concealed anvil Cubaboy has secreted behind a nearby caravan.

A Pikey


Cubaboy will go on to fight King of the Pikey's (WBO version) later this year in Donegal. The Wankster will no doubt continue to moan like a fucking big girls blouse and annoy all and sundry he comes in contact with.

Cubaboy Set To Fight Internet Ne'r-do-Well

The fight of the year was announced today as Cubaboy is set to fight the internet ne'r-do-well that's been posting anonymously on his blog. The fight is set to be held in a field just outside Mallafornia next Friday night and will be under full pikey rules. The contest had run into difficulty earlier this month when both parties could not agree a purse. In the end a nice black Dolce & Gobana (knock off) number was sourced and is thought to be acceptable to both sides. Setanta Sports are also said to be covering the fight on their pay-per-view service.

At the press conference today Cubaboy said "Obviously I'm delighted that this fight is finally going ahead, a lot of talk has gone on in the past but now it's time for that to stop and the fists of fury to be unleashed....by me like...not him....he'll just stand there for a while and take one hell of a pasting...before either running away crying or just falling down".

Me at the MGM in Malafornia at the press conference today

Cubaboy will be giving a huge weight advantage to his opponent and will need all his boxing nous to avoid the massive masterbatorially pumped up right arm his opponent can unleash. Cubaboy said he's not afraid to fight dirty in order to win on Friday night "Well if things get nasty I've ordered my corner to throw some gay porn into the ring, this will obviously distract my opponent who will immediately fall to his knee's and begin to wank, I'll take that opportunity to kick fuck outta him, whilst laughing uproariously and pointing at the sad state of this "man"".

Cubaboy is the more experienced fighter having won dozens of illegal bare knuckle fights against the toughest pikeys Munster has to offer. Cubaboy's anonymous opponent, who fights under the name "The Wankster", doesn't have a fantastic fighting pedigree and was last year embarrassed when he failed to beat a fly off some cow shit he was about to consume. Since then he's fought back however and with a wrist that measures 40 inches in diameter (but brittle as fuck due to constant wanking) this promises to be a very close bout indeed.

The Wankster was unavailable for comment today.

What Will You Be doing This Weekend??

Ahh....so it's Friday midday and feeding time at the communal trough at my mill and quickly enough the conversations of glassed-eyed bovine workmates turns to "what'cha doin' for de weekend?". Oh what high brow question in between mouthfuls of Monster Munch and coke. A question to grapple with whilst simultaneously spraying the table with partially chewed deep fat fried chicken. No talk of man's enduring struggle with "why are we really here?", no at this swill trough there's only talk of drunkenness, planned whoring and possible drug abuse.



So you fucking factory fodder, let me tell you what I won't be doing this weekend.



1. I won't be watching the Ryder Cup

I hate both American and Europe and would like a situation where a.n. other continent could get it together to whip both of them. In fact the only good things about the Ryder Cup are the surgically enhanced wives. I find it fun to estimate how much money has been spent to make them all look exactly the same.

2. The All Ireland Football Final

Football is a game played by bullocks with little skill and even less finesse, where a shoulder to the face is considered a "great tackle" and where a score of eight points to five is considered a high scoring match.

3. Chelsea v Man United

Watch a bunch of over payed, soft as piss, pretty boys ponce about the field for a boring one all draw...no thanks.

So what will I be doing this weekend?? I'll be sanding and varnishing my front door. Because that's all I've been listening to for the last three months!!! "When are you varnishing the front door?", "Are you varnishing the front door this weekend??" and so on and so forth. So forget a weekend on the lash with my bovine work colleagues, it's a weekend of unpaid drudgery for me.

Scientists Proven To Be Full Of Shit....Again

As long time readers of this website will know I can't wait for mankind to be wiped out, or at least a huge majority of mankind. Films like Armageddon and Deep Impact really float my boat. I don't even want to tell you what happens when I watch Dawn Of The Dead or 28 Days Later. The very thought of society as we know it being obliterated is my idea of heaven.






So you can imagine how excited I was over the last few days when I got wind of an experiment that some scientists were doing in Switzerland which was guaranteed to create a black hole and fuck us all up......apocalypse style !!! Well surprise surprise like all things in my life it's turned to shit. The whole experiment took place earlier today and fuck all has happened. Not a sausage.






I decided to rise early this morning, not go into work and watch the apocalypse from the comfort of my sun deck. Two hours later I was still sitting there, slightly damp and a just a little pissed off that I, and everyone else, was still alive. So I've had it with scientists, there all full of shit. I was sold a lie when I was young that religion held the explanation for everything. As I grew up and watched the X files I became indoctrinated into believing that science was the new religion and that it held all the answers. I can now for once and for all declare that scientist don't have a clue. Like a drowning man in the river Nile they're grasping at straws. Don't believe a fucking word that a scientist tells you.



Now where's my tin foil hat.......

Cubaboy Withdraws Affleck Murder Threat

After watching the steaming pile of monkey shit that was "Daredevil" I swore an oath, signed in my own shit, that if I ever met Ben Affleck in person that I would kick the living fuck out of him. Since that faithful night I've lulled myself to sleep dreaming of ever more exquisite ways in which I could inflict pain on this squared jawed arsehole.



So it was with trepidation that I rented "Gone Baby Gone" the other night. The film is directed by Affleck and stars his younger brother Casey. And in all honesty I have to say it's one of the best video rentals (dvd ain't made it's way to Malafornia yet!) I've seen in a long lonely time. The premise of the story evolves around the disappearance of a young girl from a negligent mother (one of the script writers is Madeline McCann's father) and is set in the seedy neighbourhoods of Boston.


The film is gritty, well written and fast paced and most surprisingly off all leaves you with a moral question which doesn't involve a red hot poker and Ben Affleck's hole. With solid performances from Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman this is one of the best films of the year. And in Casey Affleck the Affleck parents can be assured that they have at least one son who can act. If I gave out celestially based scoring systems I might be tempted to give this film seven stars out of ten. Most sites tend to go for the more traditionally based five star scoring system but only shit galaxies are made up of less than eight stars, are you listening Cassiopeia????

Anyway the upshot of this whole thing is that I have withdrawn my murder-murder pact with Ben Affleck. If I happen to meet him now I'll just flip him the v and and call him a wanker. I also learned that you need Cilit Bang to remove four year old shit stains from your bedroom wall.

I Will Never Tire Of Looking At This Picture...

For those of you who don't know this is a picture of Chelsea and England defender and faux-hardman John Terry who last night missed a penalty in the Champions League final. The press have been more than fulsome in it's defence of the self styled "Captain Fantastic" with our own Eamon Dunphy describing him as "a model professional". Well may I say that not only is he an average defender who masks a lack of pace and an inability to read the game with a vicious brutality on the pitch, but off the pitch proves himself to be a quite the degenerate. This story details how the hero parked his Bentley in a disabled spot. And here where the England captain racially abused a fellow black English player, a story which was very much brushed over by the English media at the time.



Last night this jackass wanted to take the final penalty that would have won the Champions League for Chelsea, not for the good of the team (there were several other better penalty takers available) but to feed his own ego. Well I for on e am absolutely delighted that he missed.

PS to the Chelsea fans who had the delightful "Scouse Free Zone" banner, I guess Chelsea is now a "Trophy Free Zone" even after spending half a billion pounds to get there.

Silvio Berlesconi

I've been a huge fan of Silvio Berlesconi for several years and his personal stock with me grew ten fold when I seen this on You Tube. Now auld Silvio's back in power he's started to clamp down on the human vermin that walk the streets of Italy (no, not the Italians!!)...the gypo's!!

Forza Silvio



Now I for one applaud his initiative and just wish our spineless, pc government would get off their hairy holes, stop calling each other "fuckers" under their breath, and introduce some good old fashioned draconian legislation that would lead to the extermination of the Irish gypsy, or knacker as they are colloquially known.

Knackers, or pikeys if you like, have been robbing and fly tipping around Ireland for hundreds of years. In between having "knacker fights" in secluded lane ways, these vermin will spend nights terrorising elderly bachelors in rural Ireland before robbing them and leaving them for dead. You'll get the old liberal lefty crying "racism" at sentiments like this but have they ever seen a lay by after a litter of knackers have moved on?? Have they ever seen the inside of a pub wrecked after a pikey wedding or funeral??

The solution is simple in it's finality. Collect all pikeys and put them on one of the islands off the west coast, with a specially constructed hundred foot fence around it. They'll be happy, moving about the island unhindered and marrying their twelve year old cousins and we'll be happy with a clean Ireland. I think over time we could reintegrate them back in Irish society, subject to forced sterilisation obviously.

Disorder Affected by Season

Unless you've been imprisoned by your rapist father in a dungeon for the last week you will have noticed that we're getting somewhat of a hot spell. Greens up and down the land are crammed with children out playing ball, beaches are thronged with drunken youths doing donuts in their souped up punto's, ice cream vans are doing roaring trade and I'm fucking miserable.



It's not just the usual malcontent I feel towards fellow human beings, this is a more deeply felt ennui. Every child's scream of delight as it chases a ball seems to go right through me. Every smiling face enrages me. Every fat bird in her strapy top, corn beef arms and cankles turns my stomach.



I knew this just wasn't me so I decided to consult one of my medical journals. To my astonishment I have a very serious disorder call DAS (Disorder Affected by Season). Quite like SAD, DAS is far more prevalent than you may think and is thought to affect roughly one in every 6.5billion people worldwide. Symptoms can include a pain in the hole (figuratively not literally), downness of the mouth area, a ten percent increase in curmudgeonliness and murderous thoughts about those around you. If you feel any of these thoughts you may be suffering from DAS.



On the heels of my diagnosis I decided not to let DAS rule my life. I'm not going to be a victim, I'm going to be an example for all other DAS sufferers out there. It's to that end that I'm organising a fund raiser in my back garden this weekend. And all funds raised will go to sufferers of DAS. Unfortunately I cannot invite any people to the function since the very sight of people can turn me into a murderous rage, so if you would like to donate please send me an email with your bank details