Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Middle Toilet Cubicle Syndrome

Some thing's been bothering me for quite some time now, and I'm not sure how to approach the issue with you. You see the subject which I am about to talk about is of a delicate nature and involves the most intimate of activities. Loath as I am to mention the subject, today I want to talk about taking a shit. Yes, pinching a loaf, taking a dump, dropping off the Cosby kids, whatever way you want to put it.

Now my problem isn't the act itself. I, like most people, enjoy a good shit if accompanied by the appropriate reading material and finished off with a double ply sheet of Kitten soft toilet roll. However, what I do object to is having to divulge my gastronomy in the presence of other folk. No, I don't mean shitting in front of people, that's fucked up beyond belief. What I'm talking about is the modern work place abomination that is the "three trap" toilet cubicle.



Separated only by a cheap wood chip panel you now get to take care of your most intimate ablutions only centimetres from another human being doing exactly the same thing, only usually nosier and smellier. You know the saying "you think your shit don't stink"?? Well I can tell you that in comparison to some people that I've had the distinct displeasure of sharing a khazi with that that statement rings true. What you will get, depending on the day of the week or the time of the day, is a multi sensory experience which will baffle and astound you in equal measure. Firstly let's deal with the smell. On a really bad day you can be assailed by the smell before you open the outer door to toilet (the actual room as opposed to the cubicle). You're left to wonder what fucking animal died in the vicinity recently. Then you've got sight. We've all been there, you lift up the seat and staring up at you is what can only be descirbed as a mini tree trunk, lodged in the S bend. I've often wondered how the donator can walk straight after producing such a prodigious crap. Hearing. If you're unfortunate enough someone will install themselves in the neighbouring cubicle and proceed to produce a variety of sounds. You have everything from the big heave, followed by the enormous fart and little or no shit(shart), to the simpering grunt, which produces a stinking flow of shiss (half shit half piss). I'll leave touch and taste because even I'm not that fucked up.

But above all these assaults on the senses there's one thing I can't get my head around. In my workplace we have the three-trap cubicle arrangement. Now I will usually go to the one farthest from the main door if I want to take a dump. I won't go to the one nearest the door because this is the most frequently used one and usually has about half a gallon of piss on toilet seat. But I also won't go to the middle one for some unknown reason. The cubicle itself is usually fairly clean. In fact it's probably the least used one. It seems most people don't use it either. For me personally I just don't want to be near anyone in that situation, I reckon that's most people's thinking. And that's fair enough. But what about the fuckers who only go into the middle cubicle?? Who, having seen your third trap door closed and an available first cubicle go into the middle cubicle. Do they have some deep need to be close to someone?? Do they need encouragement or desire recognition of what they've produced?? Well I'll tell what I think...they're fucked in the head.

Stay out of the middle cubicle and afford us all some dignity whilst taking a shit!!

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Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Cubaboy Triumphant

Cubaboy emerged triumphant last Friday night in the battle of internet n'er-do-well's. The bout, which took place at a temporary dwelling site inhabited by colourful inbred folk who trade in carpets and rubbish, was a one sided affair with Cubaboy dominating throughout.

"The bastard coated himself in lard and marmite and was constantly licking himself in between desperate lunges at my genitals", said Cubaboy, "he's just so desperate for man cock it's unbelievable. Either way I was wearing a cup so he would never have gotten next nor near my dick or balls. The insatiable desire for cock in his eyes really disturbed me but I turned it to my advantage and walloped the fuck outta him".

The fight was all but over inside a few minutes after The Wankster's brittle right wrist disintegrated after a mistimed lunge met with a concealed anvil Cubaboy has secreted behind a nearby caravan.


A Pikey


Cubaboy will go on to fight King of the Pikey's (WBO version) later this year in Donegal. The Wankster will no doubt continue to moan like a fucking big girls blouse and annoy all and sundry he comes in contact with.

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Cubaboy Set To Fight Internet Ne'r-do-Well

The fight of the year was announced today as Cubaboy is set to fight the internet ne'r-do-well that's been posting anonymously on his blog. The fight is set to be held in a field just outside Mallafornia next Friday night and will be under full pikey rules. The contest had run into difficulty earlier this month when both parties could not agree a purse. In the end a nice black Dolce & Gobana (knock off) number was sourced and is thought to be acceptable to both sides. Setanta Sports are also said to be covering the fight on their pay-per-view service.

At the press conference today Cubaboy said "Obviously I'm delighted that this fight is finally going ahead, a lot of talk has gone on in the past but now it's time for that to stop and the fists of fury to be unleashed....by me like...not him....he'll just stand there for a while and take one hell of a pasting...before either running away crying or just falling down".


Me at the MGM in Malafornia at the press conference today

Cubaboy will be giving a huge weight advantage to his opponent and will need all his boxing nous to avoid the massive masterbatorially pumped up right arm his opponent can unleash. Cubaboy said he's not afraid to fight dirty in order to win on Friday night "Well if things get nasty I've ordered my corner to throw some gay porn into the ring, this will obviously distract my opponent who will immediately fall to his knee's and begin to wank, I'll take that opportunity to kick fuck outta him, whilst laughing uproariously and pointing at the sad state of this "man"".

Cubaboy is the more experienced fighter having won dozens of illegal bare knuckle fights against the toughest pikeys Munster has to offer. Cubaboy's anonymous opponent, who fights under the name "The Wankster", doesn't have a fantastic fighting pedigree and was last year embarrassed when he failed to beat a fly off some cow shit he was about to consume. Since then he's fought back however and with a wrist that measures 40 inches in diameter (but brittle as fuck due to constant wanking) this promises to be a very close bout indeed.

The Wankster was unavailable for comment today.

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