Did I Ever Tell You About That Time....

....when I beat the living snot out of "Iron " Mike Tyson??? Well nonbeliever, the pictures have just come back from the Chemist and they clearly show me whacking seven shades out of the former undisputed champ. Admittedly Tyson was on the way down from his meteoric career by the stage he met me. His money men thought it would be a great idea to fight a white Irishman on Patricks day last, they picked the wrong Paddy!!

You Said What About Me Mother???

Anways, there was the usual kerfuffle at the weigh-in, you know Mike, trying to bite my extremities off and what have you. But I'll tell you what, he was a quiet boy after going tweleve rounds with yours truely. It took twelve rounds but to be honest with you I was only playing with him for the last seven. Eventually I put him down in the twelvefth. A gamey little fucker though he got back up, the ref had already counted him out by that stage though.


Take that ya cunt.....and that

I decided to hang up my gloves after the fight and retire undefeated to Malafornia where I now live. What ever became of Mike??? Well I think he's doing panto this year with Niall Prenderville in the Everyman. We remain good friends to this day!!

I Can't Wait For The New King Kong Film, King Kong

"Roar" - J Dut as Kong


Yes, it's coming soon, don't know when, I couldn't be bothered doing that much research, yes the brand new film about the life and times on Cornelius Kong, aka King Kong. The film, which was directed by everybody's favourite hobbit watcher Peter Jackon, brings together two of my favoutite actors, J Dut and Col Creedon. Jackson only took the film on the condition that J Dut would come on board and from the previews I've seen he's a shoe in for Best Monkey Impersenation Oscar!! Creedon is on sparkling form, as usual, and was quoted as saying "I was really looking for a project to work on with J dut, I think he's an amazing actor, and that roar, I mean wow, he can really let go". The film also stars Adrian Brody who I'd like to beat the living shiite out of and Naomi Watts who I'm fairly indiferent to.




Colonel Creedon - "Sparkling"

Is It Wrong To Feel So Good At Another's Expense??

Were you like me delighted to hear of the spilt up of media whores Nick "I never had a career" and Jessica "I wish I could use your head to practice my golf swing on" during the week??? If you need more usefull information (or indeed confirmation that the unthinkable has happened) click here. Schaudenfreud probably isn't the most admirable quality in one but for fucks sake a more fake relationship I've never seen. I think it's dispicable in the first place that you would allow a camera crew to follow your every move in the hope that it may, in Lachey's case start a still born career and in yer wan's case remove her form the Brittany clone image her record company cast her in.

And it's not just that, these two fuckwits are just an example of the ignorant rich which, funded by that bastion of quality programming, MTV, pervade our tv at the moment. Why only last night I watched in horror as yet another one of my childhood hero's showed himself for the sad sack of money grubbinbg shit that he and his family are. The "hero" to which I refer is Hulk Hogan on his show "Hogan Knows Best". Last night the Hogan's got the hump because their neighbours had the timmerity to object to the fact that they had a rooster at their house. How dare the filth object to an animal who's main objective in life is to crow loudly not only at dawn but through out the day. I defend any man's right to keep farm yard animals in a confined space, and should he wish to torture the afformentioned animal all the better, but not in a built up area Hulk Fuckhead!!!!. The upshot of the whole incident was the local housing authority slapping a hundred dollar a day fine on the Hogan's for possesion of the rooster. Cue Mr's Hogan, a plastic surgeon dream/nightmare, throwing a wobbler befitting of Macho Man Randy Savage in the car park outside the local authority. The Hulkster remainded very quite during this rant, probably because he's THE most pussy whipped of all the wrestlers!!. Anyway a caption informed us that the Hogan's went to court to get the order overturned and now all is well in the Hogan house, unlike the rest of the neighbourhood. In another jape the Hulkster and his bastard son went golfing to an ultra exclusive golf club, got bored and stared driving buggies at each other. Luckily for my sanity, and their humiliation they were asked to leave.

But these examples of "humanity" are only the tip of the ice berg. Have you seen this one about some fucking looser from blink 182 and some tart who used to get her tits out??? What a pile of shit the likes I've never seen.

I can only wish upon these people the same (and worse) as happened those couple of cunts Nick and Jessica and hope they don't make too much money along the way.

If You're Reading This Chances Are You Are A Dirty Fucking Pervert

Since I've had this blog thing going I've got hits from throughout the world, from as far away as Hyderabad in India to as near as Murtey's Cross in Cork. I've have recently noticed a worrying trend however, an increasing number of hits are from people who are looking for sex. And frankly not just your standard man on woman thing. For example, some pervert from Sunnvale in California hit my sit at ten o clock this morning. He was referred from http://teen-boy-gay-blog-.blogspot.com/. Thank fuck my firewall won't allow me to view this sites contents. Then there was that dope from Sri Lanka who was looking for Gods knows what kind of gratification when he typed in this http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?q=gay star sex&FORM=USNO. Then there was this feen from Colorado Springs who typed in http://search.msn.com/spresults.aspx?q=star wars sex&first=71&count=10&FORM=POPR in google and got me.

What surprises me is not that the internet is inhabited by the most fucked up wierdos you can imagine, but that these people in their search for sexual gratification accidentaly happen upon my site.......and then stay on it. They're either jacking off to my rantings or I am the literary equivalent of a cold shower.

Either way you bunch of fucking perv's I'll finish todays diatribe by telling you that I'm wearing nothing while writing this.......not even a smile.












The majority of perverts seem to be
based in the UK?!?!?

Dictogram

Post your answers or mail me, the winner gets fuck all.

MCD entertainment presents, for one night only, in a working man’s club near you, the amazing, the eclectic, the one, the only, Dame James Dutton-Everage. Yes fresh from playing sold out gigs in the British Legion Dunfermline, Dame Dutton-Everage returns with this very intimate seated show. Enjoy his unique blend of comedy, cabaret, heart felt stories and bawdy limericks.

Just announced, Ciaran Savage will be supporting Dame Dutton-Everage. Savage, star of his own hit reality TV show “The Savage Life”, has been out of the spotlight recently after a battle against an ear medicine addiction. Savage will perform his hit single "I leave the toilet happy when there's skid marks on the bowl"

The Sun newspaper has described Dame Dutton-Everage as “off the wall” and “a little disturbing”.

This crazy double act are also available for Christmas parties and Christenings.

** This show contains strong language and extensive full frontal nudity. Not for those with mild constitutions, those with heart complaints or the mentally infirm**

Sinn Fein Make Historic Announcement

Sinn Fein have announced their first ever candidate to run on the British Mainland. This is a truly historic moment and signals an end to the armed struggle and a commitment to purely democratic means. The announcement was made last night at specially convened Ard Comhairle, the first to be held outside the thirty two counties, in Hull.

Gerry Adams announced that James Dutton will be standing in the Gobblers Knob ward of the Hull constituency in next month’s by-election. Dutton, who now wishes to be known as Seamus O’ Duttuin, has a checkered political past having at one time or another been a member of Labor, Lib Dem’s, The Tories and The Fair Play For Fatties party. O’ Duttuin said last night that he identified with the Republican struggle and listed Bobby Sands as one of his hero’s, both men having served time in The Maze prison in Belfast (at different times admittedly). While O’ Duttuin did engage in a few dirty protests in his time he could never quiet bring himself to go on hunger strike.



Gerry Adams, O' Duttuin and the Indian from The Village People


With Labor in disarray and The Tories leaderless, O’ Dutuin is thought to have a better than even chance of clinching the seat and become the first ever Sinn Fein MP to take up his seat in Westminster. Among O‘ Duttuins main policies are free lard for school children and mandatory nudity for hot women. Will he succeed, only time will tell.


Tiocfaidh Ar La, O’ Dutuin, Tiocfaidh Ar La!!!!!



O' Duttuin in a sexy black number with Martin McGuinnes

Scandal Rocks US Marine Corps

Shock and revulsion swept the top echelons of the American military machine last night amid allegations that one of it’s highest ranking and most decorated officers was in fact not a Colonel at all but in fact an FCA reject and a congenital fantasist. Ciaran Creedon who has been passing himself off as a United States Marine Colonel for several years is thought to have insinuated himself into the highest offices and is largely seen as the brains behind the attack on the Asshole Of Evil which resulted in the current War in Iraq.

It has been discovered that Creedon, pictured with his FCA platoon, "A Team", never actually joined the United States Marine Corps despite achieving the rank of Colonel. When asked last night how such a blunder could have been made President Bush’s spokesman, Ari Fleischer, said "Shit, after the Clinton era we can’t ask nobody nothin’ about their private life. This guy seemed to know his stuff and he didn’t seem, uh….. y’know…funny!!!"
Upon further investigation it appears that Creedon’s only military experience is in the Irish Army reserve, the FCA. One of his former platoon members said that Creedon was always taking charge in a bullying fashion and was given over to lecturing other platoon members on matters of personal hygiene (pictured).


Official army records show Creedon rose to the rank of Private in the FCA and was dishonourably discharged in 1989 for his involvement in the infamous Butthole scandal.

United Artists Announce New Bond

London - United Artists took the unprecedented step of announcing a brand new James Bond this morning just weeks after announcing some blond geezer as the man to replace Pierce Brosnan. In keeping with the blond theme little known James Dutton was revealed as the next James Bond after Daniel Craig walked out on the first day of filming. A leaked report suggests that the actor refused to go along with the new "Softer Bond" that director Oliver Stone invisioned. Dutton, a novice actor, hails from the grim mining city of Sheffield and had a minor part in Lord Of The Rings, The Return Of The King as third Ork from the right in the battle of Minis Tirith. United Artits spokesperson, Miguel Sanchez, said that Dutton had all the qualities that the new 21 century Bond required, ie he's gayer than Christmas.

Bond creator, Cubbi Brocoli, was said to be spinning in his grave this morning.

A Screw On My Table Is First Prize In Inaugeral Dicktogram Quiz

 


Congrats to Dave who GUESSED the todays answer, "If you can read this, you're fucked". Dave will receive a screw on my kitchen table. The screw (pictured) is a four inch, self tapping phillips screw and can be administered either anally or intercrainally, that's your fucking noggin. Stay tuned formore from the brand new quiz that is set to sweep the floor with that Sudoko shit. I've even got a middle aged, quiz mistress pushing this thing, Theresa Lowe!!!!

Introducing Dictograms!!!!!! 

Dictograms In The Mizzle Fizzle Hizzle

Yes fuckos, they thought it couldn't be done, they said that it shouldn't be done, why some even said stop fucking doing that!!! Well for the first time ever let me introduce the game that will amaze, surprise, disgust.....Dictograms!!!!!
If you can solve the riddle simply mail myself. The first correct entrant (ohh that may provoke some jibes!!!) will win a fantastic prize!!!!