I Will Never Tire Of Looking At This Picture...

For those of you who don't know this is a picture of Chelsea and England defender and faux-hardman John Terry who last night missed a penalty in the Champions League final. The press have been more than fulsome in it's defence of the self styled "Captain Fantastic" with our own Eamon Dunphy describing him as "a model professional". Well may I say that not only is he an average defender who masks a lack of pace and an inability to read the game with a vicious brutality on the pitch, but off the pitch proves himself to be a quite the degenerate. This story details how the hero parked his Bentley in a disabled spot. And here where the England captain racially abused a fellow black English player, a story which was very much brushed over by the English media at the time.



Last night this jackass wanted to take the final penalty that would have won the Champions League for Chelsea, not for the good of the team (there were several other better penalty takers available) but to feed his own ego. Well I for on e am absolutely delighted that he missed.

PS to the Chelsea fans who had the delightful "Scouse Free Zone" banner, I guess Chelsea is now a "Trophy Free Zone" even after spending half a billion pounds to get there.

Silvio Berlesconi

I've been a huge fan of Silvio Berlesconi for several years and his personal stock with me grew ten fold when I seen this on You Tube. Now auld Silvio's back in power he's started to clamp down on the human vermin that walk the streets of Italy (no, not the Italians!!)...the gypo's!!

Forza Silvio



Now I for one applaud his initiative and just wish our spineless, pc government would get off their hairy holes, stop calling each other "fuckers" under their breath, and introduce some good old fashioned draconian legislation that would lead to the extermination of the Irish gypsy, or knacker as they are colloquially known.

Knackers, or pikeys if you like, have been robbing and fly tipping around Ireland for hundreds of years. In between having "knacker fights" in secluded lane ways, these vermin will spend nights terrorising elderly bachelors in rural Ireland before robbing them and leaving them for dead. You'll get the old liberal lefty crying "racism" at sentiments like this but have they ever seen a lay by after a litter of knackers have moved on?? Have they ever seen the inside of a pub wrecked after a pikey wedding or funeral??

The solution is simple in it's finality. Collect all pikeys and put them on one of the islands off the west coast, with a specially constructed hundred foot fence around it. They'll be happy, moving about the island unhindered and marrying their twelve year old cousins and we'll be happy with a clean Ireland. I think over time we could reintegrate them back in Irish society, subject to forced sterilisation obviously.

Preview Of: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

Well early reviews are in for the new Indiana Jones film and surprise sur-fucking-prise it's shit. "Ohh it's not as good as before"..."ohh the story is shit...snivel..snivel". I have one question, what did you expect from a bunch of old men??? With a combined age of over 180 years of age, Harrison Ford, George Lucas and Steven Speilberg have produced nothing worth watching since...well 19 years ago when they produced the last Indiana Jones film "The Last Crusade". Each of these men have left their most productive years well and truly behind them and are now only in it for the money.

And since when is the subsequent outings of any franchise better than the first?? Was the fourth Star Wars better than the first?? Was the second LOTR's better than the first??

Added to this, the fact that Indiana Jones films are very much of their time. Remember twenty years ago to fly from Ireland to England cost 500 quid, foreign travel was very much a dream for common folk. So places such as the Orient were places of mystery. Now every Tom, Dick and Harry's been to the most secluded parts of the world on their gap year. What I'm trying to say is we've lost our since of wonder. With the explosion of cheap travel and satellite documentary channels (as well as well written and informative blogs) nothing really amazes us anymore. The James Bond franchise was fallen foul of the same disease. It may have been acceptable to make action films in the sixties but these days they're making more and better action sequences with more and better technology and the producers just can't keep up with the competition.

In conclusion, go see the film or don't go see the film. Whatever you decide remember it's not going to whimsically transport you back to your fucking youth when everything was more simple, when the summers were always sunny and when your biggest worry was not having your homework done. You're a fucking adult, grow up!!

The Eurovision Must Be Stopped

As one of the few straight men across Europe to watch last night's Eurovision "Song" Contest (semi-final) I felt it my duty to inform you, my many readers, in my capacity as acting PRO of the Malafornia branch of Mal-Quida, in association with Killavullen Janjaweed, that we have declared a fattwa on the contest. At a hastily organised EGM last night it was decided due the blatant block voting by the Iron Curtain countries that something must be done. It is to that end that next Saturday night a delegation of suicide bombers from Mal-Quida and the Killavullen Janjaweed shall travel to Serbia and reek vengeance for last nights humiliation.

All this block voting is a slap in the face to us Western countries, who only a couple of decades ago freed these ingrates from their Russian overlords. Their thanks? not to vote for our Eurovision entry. I say let's send 'em back to the good old days when fifty of them had to huddle around a single spud for warmth, where they'd draw a cake on the wall for food, and where twenty of them had to have a Barry White in the same hole in the ground.

I wouldn't mind but many of them have come over here taking our low and semi skilled jobs through hard work and perseverance whilst working for less than the minimum wage. Then they brought their fit women folk with their perfectly toned arses and pert upper body areas to tease us so as we'd take our minds off stuff and not do our jobs good. Anyway all this will end on Saturday night when the intifada begins.

Also did anyone notice that the Eurovison is possible THE gayest event on earth?? The "presenters" did a link from the audience last night and their must have been ten lads to every fucking lad!! There may be some collateral damage amongst Europe's gay community, no offense is intended. You don't want to upset the gay's, they're one community you don't want on you back.

Disorder Affected by Season

Unless you've been imprisoned by your rapist father in a dungeon for the last week you will have noticed that we're getting somewhat of a hot spell. Greens up and down the land are crammed with children out playing ball, beaches are thronged with drunken youths doing donuts in their souped up punto's, ice cream vans are doing roaring trade and I'm fucking miserable.



It's not just the usual malcontent I feel towards fellow human beings, this is a more deeply felt ennui. Every child's scream of delight as it chases a ball seems to go right through me. Every smiling face enrages me. Every fat bird in her strapy top, corn beef arms and cankles turns my stomach.



I knew this just wasn't me so I decided to consult one of my medical journals. To my astonishment I have a very serious disorder call DAS (Disorder Affected by Season). Quite like SAD, DAS is far more prevalent than you may think and is thought to affect roughly one in every 6.5billion people worldwide. Symptoms can include a pain in the hole (figuratively not literally), downness of the mouth area, a ten percent increase in curmudgeonliness and murderous thoughts about those around you. If you feel any of these thoughts you may be suffering from DAS.



On the heels of my diagnosis I decided not to let DAS rule my life. I'm not going to be a victim, I'm going to be an example for all other DAS sufferers out there. It's to that end that I'm organising a fund raiser in my back garden this weekend. And all funds raised will go to sufferers of DAS. Unfortunately I cannot invite any people to the function since the very sight of people can turn me into a murderous rage, so if you would like to donate please send me an email with your bank details

Forget Nostradamus, Smokey Are The Real Deal!!

I've been watching this whole Josef Fritzl thing unfold over the last few weeks with a mixture of disgust and dismay. How could one man be so evil? How could the wife not know about it? What drives a man to such an act? I've been pouring over every column inch trying to glean every single detail that I could to better understand the man monster. Of course the most incisive reporting I have found came from the Mallafornia Star's own Ulick McCracken. I've reprinted (with his permission) an excerpt from a recent article he wrote on the whole sorry affair, it's an interview with Fritzl's neighbour:



Ulick McCracken: So how long have you been living next door to Alice?

Neighbour: Alice?.......Who the fuck is Alice?

UMcC:So for 24 year you've been living next door to Alice??



Chilling.