What Will You Be doing This Weekend??

Ahh....so it's Friday midday and feeding time at the communal trough at my mill and quickly enough the conversations of glassed-eyed bovine workmates turns to "what'cha doin' for de weekend?". Oh what high brow question in between mouthfuls of Monster Munch and coke. A question to grapple with whilst simultaneously spraying the table with partially chewed deep fat fried chicken. No talk of man's enduring struggle with "why are we really here?", no at this swill trough there's only talk of drunkenness, planned whoring and possible drug abuse.



So you fucking factory fodder, let me tell you what I won't be doing this weekend.



1. I won't be watching the Ryder Cup

I hate both American and Europe and would like a situation where a.n. other continent could get it together to whip both of them. In fact the only good things about the Ryder Cup are the surgically enhanced wives. I find it fun to estimate how much money has been spent to make them all look exactly the same.

2. The All Ireland Football Final

Football is a game played by bullocks with little skill and even less finesse, where a shoulder to the face is considered a "great tackle" and where a score of eight points to five is considered a high scoring match.

3. Chelsea v Man United

Watch a bunch of over payed, soft as piss, pretty boys ponce about the field for a boring one all draw...no thanks.

So what will I be doing this weekend?? I'll be sanding and varnishing my front door. Because that's all I've been listening to for the last three months!!! "When are you varnishing the front door?", "Are you varnishing the front door this weekend??" and so on and so forth. So forget a weekend on the lash with my bovine work colleagues, it's a weekend of unpaid drudgery for me.

Scientists Proven To Be Full Of Shit....Again

As long time readers of this website will know I can't wait for mankind to be wiped out, or at least a huge majority of mankind. Films like Armageddon and Deep Impact really float my boat. I don't even want to tell you what happens when I watch Dawn Of The Dead or 28 Days Later. The very thought of society as we know it being obliterated is my idea of heaven.






So you can imagine how excited I was over the last few days when I got wind of an experiment that some scientists were doing in Switzerland which was guaranteed to create a black hole and fuck us all up......apocalypse style !!! Well surprise surprise like all things in my life it's turned to shit. The whole experiment took place earlier today and fuck all has happened. Not a sausage.






I decided to rise early this morning, not go into work and watch the apocalypse from the comfort of my sun deck. Two hours later I was still sitting there, slightly damp and a just a little pissed off that I, and everyone else, was still alive. So I've had it with scientists, there all full of shit. I was sold a lie when I was young that religion held the explanation for everything. As I grew up and watched the X files I became indoctrinated into believing that science was the new religion and that it held all the answers. I can now for once and for all declare that scientist don't have a clue. Like a drowning man in the river Nile they're grasping at straws. Don't believe a fucking word that a scientist tells you.



Now where's my tin foil hat.......

Cubaboy Withdraws Affleck Murder Threat

After watching the steaming pile of monkey shit that was "Daredevil" I swore an oath, signed in my own shit, that if I ever met Ben Affleck in person that I would kick the living fuck out of him. Since that faithful night I've lulled myself to sleep dreaming of ever more exquisite ways in which I could inflict pain on this squared jawed arsehole.



So it was with trepidation that I rented "Gone Baby Gone" the other night. The film is directed by Affleck and stars his younger brother Casey. And in all honesty I have to say it's one of the best video rentals (dvd ain't made it's way to Malafornia yet!) I've seen in a long lonely time. The premise of the story evolves around the disappearance of a young girl from a negligent mother (one of the script writers is Madeline McCann's father) and is set in the seedy neighbourhoods of Boston.


The film is gritty, well written and fast paced and most surprisingly off all leaves you with a moral question which doesn't involve a red hot poker and Ben Affleck's hole. With solid performances from Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman this is one of the best films of the year. And in Casey Affleck the Affleck parents can be assured that they have at least one son who can act. If I gave out celestially based scoring systems I might be tempted to give this film seven stars out of ten. Most sites tend to go for the more traditionally based five star scoring system but only shit galaxies are made up of less than eight stars, are you listening Cassiopeia????

Anyway the upshot of this whole thing is that I have withdrawn my murder-murder pact with Ben Affleck. If I happen to meet him now I'll just flip him the v and and call him a wanker. I also learned that you need Cilit Bang to remove four year old shit stains from your bedroom wall.