Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Don't Trust The Chinese

Seems those cheating bastard Chinese are at it again. Yesterday they were busying coming clean about faking the Beijing 2008 Olympic opening ceremony light display, now it seems that that little girl that sang that cute little song about crushing China's enemies and raping their lands wasn't so cute after all. Or at least the REAL girl who sang the song wasn't. For you see the girl that actually sang the song was, well, a bit of a minger, so they swapped her with a better looking little girl.









You can see why they made her hide behind the screen can't you??






Now I've no problem with that, in fact I have constructed a list of ugly bastards, that if we all lived in China, would not see the light of television. Gerry "lard jowls" Ryan, Ryan "patronising wanker" Tubridy, Joe "barrel scraper" Duffy, Pat "sawdust" Kenny, Bibi "face like a landfill" Baskin, etc.





What I just can't figure out is why we allow ugly people to live in the first place. I reckon that by the age of five you should be able to tell if someone is going to be good looking in later life or not and thus make a decision as to whether a person should be allowed to live or not. Think about it, if we got ride of all the fat, ugly bastards then the world would be inhabited by Brad Pitts' and Angelinas, morbid obesity could be eradicated and farts would decrease dramatically. I also can't believe that the Chinese haven't thought of this before, after all they are adept at killing children.



In other Olympic news I claimed another Gold medal last night (your time). This time in weight lifting. Now I'm not going to make any puerile jokes about being no good at the "clean and jerk" or liking a good clean "snatch", I will however let the following picture speak for itself.










NB - If you ever take part in a weight lifting contest DO NOT have a curry an hour before hand. As I went to lift my winning wieght a shot of pure liquid shite shot out of me, through my leotard and pooled offensively on the ground behind me. It took several men in haz-chem suits to clean it up.

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Olympic Opening Ceremony Faked

News yesterday that apparently some of the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games was faked. "Viewers watching at home and on giant screens inside the Bird's Nest National Stadium watched as a series of giant footprints outlined in fireworks processed gloriously above the city from Tiananmen Square." Unfortunately those devious Chinese had generated the images on a computer, possibly using photoshop, and even put in a camera wobble to make the whole thing seem more realistic. I for one will never trust the Chinese again, lying bastards. I mean honestly why would anyone fake something like this?? Are their lives that empty that they have to stoop to such antics?? I mean what the bloody hell is going on in their heads???





Anyway, in unrelated Olympic news I won my first Olympic Gold Medal (of these Olympics) last night (your time) in the pool. In a very tight race I really kicked hard in the closing fifty metres and won handily in a new Olympic and World record. I was fairly happy but this is just one of many medals I hope to win. I aim to become the first athlete to compete, and win, in many disciplines from swimming to track and field. Keep watching this space for further updates.



I've attached a picture of me after I won.




Monday, August 11, 2008

Apocalypto 2??

Regular readers to this site will know that if you want exclusive movie news then you don't come here. In fact the latest movie reviewed on this site was the latest Keystone Kops film. However, what I am now about to announce is so exclusive, so earth shattering, so bloody enormous that I can hardly believe it myself.





For you see on a recent trip from Atlanta to Cancun I was sitting next to a man who I will only call "K", I withhold his name in case he would get in trouble, but believe that what I am to relate is 100% fact. "K" was talking on the phone, loudly enough for me to overhear, about how he was travelling to Mexico to "hook up with the old crew" in preparation for Apocalypto 2. He even said that "Mel would be down next week".









If this is true and not the ramblings of some arse on a plane then I am very excited. Apocalypto was one of the last good films I seen with the right mixture or historical inaccuracy, violence and a damn good story well told. "K" was sporting a rather impressive blackberry on which he was talking to his secretary getting her to organise "his usual seats" for the next LA Galaxy game and to "put his friends up in the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills". I've done some inexhaustive research on the Internet and can find no mention of Apocalypto 2, but if it does come off then just remember where you heard it first!!

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