blogsbystephen

2009-10-09T13:08:00.005+01:00

Proof if proof was needed today that the entire world is completely fucked up, as (black) President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Yes you read correctly and if you don't believe me look here. Heretofore you actually had to achieve something of huge significance to mankind to get a Nobel Peace Prize.....now all you have to be is black.

And before you say, "oh here's old Klu Klux Clan Cubaboy on a rant again", think to yourself what has he actually done since he was inaugurated earlier this year?? Nothing??? Well I can't think of anything either. I can remember what he said he'd do, like closing Guantanamo Bay concentration camp (still open), pull out of Afghanistan (sending 40,000 more troops soon) and end the was in Iraq (still ongoing and no sign of a withdrawal). He's even kept Bush's education program.

I have previously stated what I think of the hoopla surrounding this guy. I'm not saying the guys a dud, just that like all politicians he does very little and collects a large paycheck whilst doing it (this months check will be almost a million quid higher!!).

Middle Toilet Cubicle Syndrome

2009-02-10T15:00:00.006Z

Some thing's been bothering me for quite some time now, and I'm not sure how to approach the issue with you. You see the subject which I am about to talk about is of a delicate nature and involves the most intimate of activities. Loath as I am to mention the subject, today I want to talk about taking a shit. Yes, pinching a loaf, taking a dump, dropping off the Cosby kids, whatever way you want to put it.

Now my problem isn't the act itself. I, like most people, enjoy a good shit if accompanied by the appropriate reading material and finished off with a double ply sheet of Kitten soft toilet roll. However, what I do object to is having to divulge my gastronomy in the presence of other folk. No, I don't mean shitting in front of people, that's fucked up beyond belief. What I'm talking about is the modern work place abomination that is the "three trap" toilet cubicle.

Separated only by a cheap wood chip panel you now get to take care of your most intimate ablutions only centimetres from another human being doing exactly the same thing, only usually nosier and smellier. You know the saying "you think your shit don't stink"?? Well I can tell you that in comparison to some people that I've had the distinct displeasure of sharing a khazi with that that statement rings true. What you will get, depending on the day of the week or the time of the day, is a multi sensory experience which will baffle and astound you in equal measure. Firstly let's deal with the smell. On a really bad day you can be assailed by the smell before you open the outer door to toilet (the actual room as opposed to the cubicle). You're left to wonder what fucking animal died in the vicinity recently. Then you've got sight. We've all been there, you lift up the seat and staring up at you is what can only be descirbed as a mini tree trunk, lodged in the S bend. I've often wondered how the donator can walk straight after producing such a prodigious crap. Hearing. If you're unfortunate enough someone will install themselves in the neighbouring cubicle and proceed to produce a variety of sounds. You have everything from the big heave, followed by the enormous fart and little or no shit(shart), to the simpering grunt, which produces a stinking flow of shiss (half shit half piss). I'll leave touch and taste because even I'm not that fucked up.

But above all these assaults on the senses there's one thing I can't get my head around. In my workplace we have the three-trap cubicle arrangement. Now I will usually go to the one farthest from the main door if I want to take a dump. I won't go to the one nearest the door because this is the most frequently used one and usually has about half a gallon of piss on toilet seat. But I also won't go to the middle one for some unknown reason. The cubicle itself is usually fairly clean. In fact it's probably the least used one. It seems most people don't use it either. For me personally I just don't want to be near anyone in that situation, I reckon that's most people's thinking. And that's fair enough. But what about the fuckers who only go into the middle cubicle?? Who, having seen your third trap door closed and an available first cubicle go into the middle cubicle. Do they have some deep need to be close to someone?? Do they need encouragement or desire recognition of what they've produced?? Well I'll tell what I think...they're fucked in the head.

Stay out of the middle cubicle and afford us all some dignity whilst taking a shit!!

Cubaboy Triumphant

2009-02-03T14:53:00.006Z

Cubaboy emerged triumphant last Friday night in the battle of internet n'er-do-well's. The bout, which took place at a temporary dwelling site inhabited by colourful inbred folk who trade in carpets and rubbish, was a one sided affair with Cubaboy dominating throughout.

"The bastard coated himself in lard and marmite and was constantly licking himself in between desperate lunges at my genitals", said Cubaboy, "he's just so desperate for man cock it's unbelievable. Either way I was wearing a cup so he would never have gotten next nor near my dick or balls. The insatiable desire for cock in his eyes really disturbed me but I turned it to my advantage and walloped the fuck outta him".

The fight was all but over inside a few minutes after The Wankster's brittle right wrist disintegrated after a mistimed lunge met with a concealed anvil Cubaboy has secreted behind a nearby caravan.

A Pikey

Cubaboy will go on to fight King of the Pikey's (WBO version) later this year in Donegal. The Wankster will no doubt continue to moan like a fucking big girls blouse and annoy all and sundry he comes in contact with.

Cubaboy Set To Fight Internet Ne'r-do-Well

2009-02-03T12:47:00.007Z

The fight of the year was announced today as Cubaboy is set to fight the internet ne'r-do-well that's been posting anonymously on his blog. The fight is set to be held in a field just outside Mallafornia next Friday night and will be under full pikey rules. The contest had run into difficulty earlier this month when both parties could not agree a purse. In the end a nice black Dolce & Gobana (knock off) number was sourced and is thought to be acceptable to both sides. Setanta Sports are also said to be covering the fight on their pay-per-view service.

At the press conference today Cubaboy said "Obviously I'm delighted that this fight is finally going ahead, a lot of talk has gone on in the past but now it's time for that to stop and the fists of fury to be unleashed....by me like...not him....he'll just stand there for a while and take one hell of a pasting...before either running away crying or just falling down".

Me at the MGM in Malafornia at the press conference today

Cubaboy will be giving a huge weight advantage to his opponent and will need all his boxing nous to avoid the massive masterbatorially pumped up right arm his opponent can unleash. Cubaboy said he's not afraid to fight dirty in order to win on Friday night "Well if things get nasty I've ordered my corner to throw some gay porn into the ring, this will obviously distract my opponent who will immediately fall to his knee's and begin to wank, I'll take that opportunity to kick fuck outta him, whilst laughing uproariously and pointing at the sad state of this "man"".

Cubaboy is the more experienced fighter having won dozens of illegal bare knuckle fights against the toughest pikeys Munster has to offer. Cubaboy's anonymous opponent, who fights under the name "The Wankster", doesn't have a fantastic fighting pedigree and was last year embarrassed when he failed to beat a fly off some cow shit he was about to consume. Since then he's fought back however and with a wrist that measures 40 inches in diameter (but brittle as fuck due to constant wanking) this promises to be a very close bout indeed.

The Wankster was unavailable for comment today.

The Second Coming

2009-01-19T14:52:00.003Z

Have you heard the news??? Jesus is being crowned tomorrow and he's going to stop all war, and the little children will never miss a meal ever ever again, and the global economic crisis will all be settled by next Tuesday...or such is my understanding from the world's media's coverage of Barack "Jesus" Obama's inaugeration tomorow.

Now don't get me wrong, I was as happy as anyone when he won the election, and when I say happy I really couldn't give a fuck, I just wasn't more angry. That was until the media and in particlar the Irish media (that being the media I am most familair with) starting deifying the guy. Of course you had the inevitable "Irish-if-ication" of Obama, sure he's as Oirish as a peadophile priest or small minded biggotry. We won't mention the fact that if he wasn't famous and walked down any street in Ireland he'd probably be stared at and possibly be shouted at for being an asylum seeker. But then the media really ramped the hype up saying this guy was going to be the be all and end all, he was going to fix everything. It's culminated with wall to wall media coverage of the inaugeration tomowrrow evening with top investigative RTE journalist Charlie Bird on a junke...sorry reporting on the "story". Not to mention famous Dutch band U2 performing last night. I'm sorry but if you don't pay tax in a country they should take your passport away...hey, that's what happens in America!!

I glanced at a piece in the Guardian newspaper last week that compared the presidency's of Obama (who's not actually Presidentyet ), JFK and Lincoln. Now this comparison was done by supposed "historians". I didn't bother to waste my time by reading the piece but I was reminded of something Lincoln once said regarding fooling some of the people some of the time. Well in this case it appears that ALL of the people have been fooled. Here's a newsflash....Barack Obama is just a man, and worse than that he's a politician. Politicans are by definition cheats and liars. They promise the electorate the world in order to get a really well paid job. If people really think that big money didn't buy this guy the election they are in for a really big wake up call. Do people really think that big money isn't going to want a payback?? Remember where you read it first..this time next year the world will in exactly the same position, if not in a worse position, and I wonder will people still be worshipping Jesus Obama or will they be clambering to nail him to a cross.

Reasons To Be Angry - Part 2

2008-12-12T12:47:00.005Z

The second in my occasional series of rants on what makes me angry in modern Ireland...

1. Colm An Jim Jim - Radio Show or Tv Show

If you're one of the few people who have never watched television or listened to radio then don't change the habit of a lifetime now. For you see, these two media are inhabited by two of the most annoying cunts ever to grace the airwaves, Colm and Jim Jim (so fat they name him twice), or Cunt and Fat Fat as I call them. Colm's the one who looks like a paedophile and Jim Jim's the one with enough spare skin under his chins to make a separate human being. These two "jolly japsters" first came to prominence after 2fm's morning radio show was continuously and humiliatingly beaten on the radio listenership figures by the far superior Ian Dempsey breakfast show on Today Fm. RTE's solution, employee two fucking assholes that sometimes (and badly) do funny voices then get Gerry Ryan to big them up, in his sad attempt to be "cool" with the kids. I can't give you a further run down on their radio show because I refuse to listen to it. I would literally jam a stick covered in Jim Jim's shit in my ear before I'd listen to those fanny pads.

However, in a move that could only be countenanced in RTE, these pair of muppets have now pitched up on Sunday evening television fronting a game show that only the severely retarded could consider entertainment. And you know what the hook on this show is??? They use skype so an in-studio contestant can compete with a sad lonely fucker at home in the hope of winning shit. Wow, skype, what's next 3.5" floppy disks? come on RTE wow me with the amazing technology of the near past!!!! Anyway this show is so dreadful, the audience so doped up on something and autocue reading that's so bad it's almost funny.

Whether it's the tv or the radio these two abortion bucket dodging jizz rags specialize in the kind of "patronise your audience to an inch of their lives" presenting that seems to be RTE's stock and trade at the moment. Hundred and sixty quid a year for this shit???

2. The Seoiges

I am soooo sick of these two cornbeefed armed cunts now that I'm actually choking on my own rage just writing this article. They're fucking everywhere you look at the moment promotiong their own afternoon snooze along. For the uninitiated Grainne (the older fatter one) started her broadcasting life as a weather girl on TG4. She then moved to TV3 when they started blowing smoke up her arse before moving to Sky when they launched their doomed-to-failure Sky News Ireland. When that bombed she slunk back to Ireland with her fat tail between her fat legs where RTE decided to give her a hundred thousand euro a year contract for whatever vehicle they put on before the news in the afternoon. Last year the show was co-hosted by hateable brick Joe something or other. However Grainne is such a cunt to work with poor Joe

found the dole office more appealing than sharing a sofa with the gaeilgoir.

As for Sile (the younger fatter one) all she's ever been is a weather girl on TG4. Oh yes, and Grainne's sister. You see this is what RTE thinks get's all Irish men's hearts all a flutter, the idea of two sisters together...at once!! Well I've got news for RTE, two fat Irish lesbiens don't really cut it today, maybe in the seveneties but most men's fantasies are a little more sophisticated in 2008.

Reasons To Be Angry - Part 1

2008-11-07T14:47:00.007Z

This is the first in my series of reasons to be angry today.

1. Barak OfuckingBama and the fucking American election.

For the the last three fucking years the bastarding Irish media have been giving near blanket coverage to first the Democratic and Republican candidate selection process and then to the election itself. Bollox Joe Duffy one day devoted an entire show to "Is Barack Obama The Most Beautiful Man In The World?". People were staying up all night watching the results come in. Ask the same people who their local TD's are and they'll scratch their dumb fuck heads and stare at you blankly for a few moments before going on to discuss America Next Top Model.

2. The X-Factor

I'm not sure if your familiar with this rubbish called the X-Factor. Well it's a faux talent show in which Simon Cowel and assorted flunkies piggy back on semi talented youngsters with stars in their eyes in order to inflate their own egos and hawk a couple of more cd's so that they can keep themselves in the plush lifestyle that they've become accustomed to. Well that's neither here nor there as it's very much a matter of opinion. But here's the crunch, the "top 12", i.e. 11 loosers and someone who does not loose have released a charridee single. All well and good, I'm not a big charity man myself but there you go. And do you know where the money is going to??? British War Heroes!!! What the fuck is a British War Hero?? Well if you live in Belfast or Bagdad it's what we call a terrorist. Now fuck the English and their cunting war criminals, but this single will be on sale in Ireland no doubt, and cunts'll go out and buy it thus supporting the cunting British army. And if you challenge them they'll look at you blankly and after a few minutes rattle on about how good looking Barak Obama is!!

3. John Fucking Gormley and the Fucking Green Party.

I used to be relatively eco friendly. That is until those dirty pinko fucks the greens got into power and started shoving there green ideas down my throat. And you know what?? It's all a scam to raise stealth taxes. They don't give a fuck about the environment, they just want your money. Next time you hear of an initiative from the greens ask yourself how much will this cost, cause cost it will. I'm starting my own Power of One campaign. I'm go to flytip one bag of rubbish every day, turn up my thermostat by one degree, run over one green party minister (if I get the chance).

What Will You Be doing This Weekend??

2008-09-19T13:29:00.005+01:00

Ahh....so it's Friday midday and feeding time at the communal trough at my mill and quickly enough the conversations of glassed-eyed bovine workmates turns to "what'cha doin' for de weekend?". Oh what high brow question in between mouthfuls of Monster Munch and coke. A question to grapple with whilst simultaneously spraying the table with partially chewed deep fat fried chicken. No talk of man's enduring struggle with "why are we really here?", no at this swill trough there's only talk of drunkenness, planned whoring and possible drug abuse.

So you fucking factory fodder, let me tell you what I won't be doing this weekend.

1. I won't be watching the Ryder Cup

I hate both American and Europe and would like a situation where a.n. other continent could get it together to whip both of them. In fact the only good things about the Ryder Cup are the surgically enhanced wives. I find it fun to estimate how much money has been spent to make them all look exactly the same.

2. The All Ireland Football Final

Football is a game played by bullocks with little skill and even less finesse, where a shoulder to the face is considered a "great tackle" and where a score of eight points to five is considered a high scoring match.

3. Chelsea v Man United

Watch a bunch of over payed, soft as piss, pretty boys ponce about the field for a boring one all draw...no thanks.

So what will I be doing this weekend?? I'll be sanding and varnishing my front door. Because that's all I've been listening to for the last three months!!! "When are you varnishing the front door?", "Are you varnishing the front door this weekend??" and so on and so forth. So forget a weekend on the lash with my bovine work colleagues, it's a weekend of unpaid drudgery for me.

Scientists Proven To Be Full Of Shit....Again

2008-09-10T10:02:00.008+01:00

As long time readers of this website will know I can't wait for mankind to be wiped out, or at least a huge majority of mankind. Films like Armageddon and Deep Impact really float my boat. I don't even want to tell you what happens when I watch Dawn Of The Dead or 28 Days Later. The very thought of society as we know it being obliterated is my idea of heaven.

So you can imagine how excited I was over the last few days when I got wind of an experiment that some scientists were doing in Switzerland which was guaranteed to create a black hole and fuck us all up......apocalypse style !!! Well surprise surprise like all things in my life it's turned to shit. The whole experiment took place earlier today and fuck all has happened. Not a sausage.

I decided to rise early this morning, not go into work and watch the apocalypse from the comfort of my sun deck. Two hours later I was still sitting there, slightly damp and a just a little pissed off that I, and everyone else, was still alive. So I've had it with scientists, there all full of shit. I was sold a lie when I was young that religion held the explanation for everything. As I grew up and watched the X files I became indoctrinated into believing that science was the new religion and that it held all the answers. I can now for once and for all declare that scientist don't have a clue. Like a drowning man in the river Nile they're grasping at straws. Don't believe a fucking word that a scientist tells you.

Now where's my tin foil hat.......

Cubaboy Withdraws Affleck Murder Threat

2008-09-08T13:03:00.005+01:00

After watching the steaming pile of monkey shit that was "Daredevil" I swore an oath, signed in my own shit, that if I ever met Ben Affleck in person that I would kick the living fuck out of him. Since that faithful night I've lulled myself to sleep dreaming of ever more exquisite ways in which I could inflict pain on this squared jawed arsehole.

So it was with trepidation that I rented "Gone Baby Gone" the other night. The film is directed by Affleck and stars his younger brother Casey. And in all honesty I have to say it's one of the best video rentals (dvd ain't made it's way to Malafornia yet!) I've seen in a long lonely time. The premise of the story evolves around the disappearance of a young girl from a negligent mother (one of the script writers is Madeline McCann's father) and is set in the seedy neighbourhoods of Boston.

The film is gritty, well written and fast paced and most surprisingly off all leaves you with a moral question which doesn't involve a red hot poker and Ben Affleck's hole. With solid performances from Ed Harris and Morgan Freeman this is one of the best films of the year. And in Casey Affleck the Affleck parents can be assured that they have at least one son who can act. If I gave out celestially based scoring systems I might be tempted to give this film seven stars out of ten. Most sites tend to go for the more traditionally based five star scoring system but only shit galaxies are made up of less than eight stars, are you listening Cassiopeia????

Anyway the upshot of this whole thing is that I have withdrawn my murder-murder pact with Ben Affleck. If I happen to meet him now I'll just flip him the v and and call him a wanker. I also learned that you need Cilit Bang to remove four year old shit stains from your bedroom wall.

Don't Trust The Chinese

2008-08-12T15:00:00.007+01:00

Seems those cheating bastard Chinese are at it again. Yesterday they were busying coming clean about faking the Beijing 2008 Olympic opening ceremony light display, now it seems that that little girl that sang that cute little song about crushing China's enemies and raping their lands wasn't so cute after all. Or at least the REAL girl who sang the song wasn't. For you see the girl that actually sang the song was, well, a bit of a minger, so they swapped her with a better looking little girl.

You can see why they made her hide behind the screen can't you??

Now I've no problem with that, in fact I have constructed a list of ugly bastards, that if we all lived in China, would not see the light of television. Gerry "lard jowls" Ryan, Ryan "patronising wanker" Tubridy, Joe "barrel scraper" Duffy, Pat "sawdust" Kenny, Bibi "face like a landfill" Baskin, etc.

What I just can't figure out is why we allow ugly people to live in the first place. I reckon that by the age of five you should be able to tell if someone is going to be good looking in later life or not and thus make a decision as to whether a person should be allowed to live or not. Think about it, if we got ride of all the fat, ugly bastards then the world would be inhabited by Brad Pitts' and Angelinas, morbid obesity could be eradicated and farts would decrease dramatically. I also can't believe that the Chinese haven't thought of this before, after all they are adept at killing children.

In other Olympic news I claimed another Gold medal last night (your time). This time in weight lifting. Now I'm not going to make any puerile jokes about being no good at the "clean and jerk" or liking a good clean "snatch", I will however let the following picture speak for itself.

NB - If you ever take part in a weight lifting contest DO NOT have a curry an hour before hand. As I went to lift my winning wieght a shot of pure liquid shite shot out of me, through my leotard and pooled offensively on the ground behind me. It took several men in haz-chem suits to clean it up.

Olympic Opening Ceremony Faked

2008-08-12T07:43:00.003+01:00

News yesterday that apparently some of the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games was faked. "Viewers watching at home and on giant screens inside the Bird's Nest National Stadium watched as a series of giant footprints outlined in fireworks processed gloriously above the city from Tiananmen Square." Unfortunately those devious Chinese had generated the images on a computer, possibly using photoshop, and even put in a camera wobble to make the whole thing seem more realistic. I for one will never trust the Chinese again, lying bastards. I mean honestly why would anyone fake something like this?? Are their lives that empty that they have to stoop to such antics?? I mean what the bloody hell is going on in their heads???

Anyway, in unrelated Olympic news I won my first Olympic Gold Medal (of these Olympics) last night (your time) in the pool. In a very tight race I really kicked hard in the closing fifty metres and won handily in a new Olympic and World record. I was fairly happy but this is just one of many medals I hope to win. I aim to become the first athlete to compete, and win, in many disciplines from swimming to track and field. Keep watching this space for further updates.

I've attached a picture of me after I won.

Apocalypto 2??

2008-08-11T10:14:00.004+01:00

Regular readers to this site will know that if you want exclusive movie news then you don't come here. In fact the latest movie reviewed on this site was the latest Keystone Kops film. However, what I am now about to announce is so exclusive, so earth shattering, so bloody enormous that I can hardly believe it myself.

For you see on a recent trip from Atlanta to Cancun I was sitting next to a man who I will only call "K", I withhold his name in case he would get in trouble, but believe that what I am to relate is 100% fact. "K" was talking on the phone, loudly enough for me to overhear, about how he was travelling to Mexico to "hook up with the old crew" in preparation for Apocalypto 2. He even said that "Mel would be down next week".

If this is true and not the ramblings of some arse on a plane then I am very excited. Apocalypto was one of the last good films I seen with the right mixture or historical inaccuracy, violence and a damn good story well told. "K" was sporting a rather impressive blackberry on which he was talking to his secretary getting her to organise "his usual seats" for the next LA Galaxy game and to "put his friends up in the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills". I've done some inexhaustive research on the Internet and can find no mention of Apocalypto 2, but if it does come off then just remember where you heard it first!!

Gillette Quattro And The Great Razor Blade Scandal

2008-07-31T14:44:00.004+01:00

I dunno about you, but I was one of those stupid kids you see on tv who, at the age of five, are discovered by their mothers in the bathroom, blood dripping from their faces and a blunt Bic plastic razor in hand. Fast forward twenty five years and this very imagined memory floated into my head as I ripped open a state of the art (if a razor counts as art today) Gillette Quattro razor blade this morning. Due to a luggage error on the side of Delta Airlines (please stay tuned for the first in my series of blogs entitled "Delta Are A Stupid Bunch Of Incompetent Cunts") I had to forsake my normal Gillette Mach 3 razor for this new space age razor that promised a closer shave than ever before.

Mach 3

Now I am sceptical about this whole Mach 3 bullshit. I'd almost go as far as to take my old friend Jim Corr's line that it's a conspiracy. If you don't know what I'm on about here's the summary....Mach 3 has 3 blades, in theory for a closer shave. We'll in my experience it's just three blades of varying degrees of bluntness that feel like a briar being dragged across your puss every morning. So I wasn't exactly overawed by the blurb on the front of the Gillette Quattro this morning. And I wasn't disappointed. You see what the great idiot public fail to realise is that you can have a hundred blades all neatly stacked on top of one another but that's just a hundred little spaces for your stubble to lodge and render the blade ineffective for subsequent shaves. I spent ten minutes banging the bloody thing off the wash handbasin this morning in order to get it clean. Talk about a pain in the hole!!

Quattro

So at the age of thirty I am now left with a shaving-cut face, a decision about going hirsute a la Gill Grisom or using a cut throat razor and the memory of when I didn't have to fucking shave!!!

Maria Bello In "Clothes On" Shocker

2008-07-07T12:52:00.005+01:00

I had the extreme misfortune over the weekend to watch a film called The Jane Austen Book Club. Now don't ask me how I got myself into a situation where I had to watch this junk, or why I didn't simply put my own eyes out in order not to have to watch it, or why I simply didn't leave the room. The fact is I watched it. And never since The Devine Sisterhood of the Travelling Ya Ya Pants has there been such a sloppy pile of auld girlie shite. Anyways that's neither here nor there and I you probably could have guessed that the film wouldn't get a favourable review from me....or any other heterosexual fella around. I did however notice something quite amazing about this film.....Maria Bello was in it.....and she didn't take her clothes off.

I was absolutely shocked. This is the second film I've seen in recent weeks with Maria Bello in it that she didn't take her clothes off in. For an "actress" who is basically one (short) step above a porn actress, she's taken her clothes off that much in films, there's a disturbing trend emerging. If she's not careful she may have to act in order to get further work. Now don't get me wrong, I can appreciate a nude woman as much as the next fellow, but I've seen Maria Bello naked more ofter than I've seen myself naked!!!

For a change of pace I decided to do some research into one of my post's and looked up her biog on IMDb. I've seen her in quite a few films, not on purpose I might add, and out of the ones I've seen she's aired her wears in most of them. Here's a list:

Downloading Nancy - Self mutilating sex scenes - nice

Butterfly On A Wheel - She just about manages to keep her clothes on in this one

A History Of Violence - A nice 69 scene for all the family

The Cooler - She's "plays" a prostitute

Autofocus - Again balls naked

I heard through some colleagues that there are websites that contain lists of actors/actresses that have appeared nude in a film, they even contain the minute and second reference for the hairy palmed brigade. Well I've decided to set up the first website devoted to an actress keeping her clothes on. So here goes...

Maria Bello appeared with all her clothes on in The Jane Austen Book Club - reference:0:00:00 - 01:43:52

Shot Seven Times!!!!

2008-07-04T10:05:00.003+01:00

Did you hear this story over the last few days?? Apparently some Irish lad was shot seven times in America. Seven fucking times!! The cop who did it was put on paid leave as a result. According to the article above "he had two gunshot wounds to his left arm, three wounds to his abdomen, one on his thigh and one in the back of his shoulder". I mean for fucksake, this is an absolute disgrace. That cop either needs to go back to the academy and learn to shoot or else get the sack. What ever happened to the old reliable double tap to the back to the head. I'm currently paying Resident Evil 4 on the Wii and nothing takes down a zombie/person like a close range shot to the head. Come on, let's have some justice here!!

The Longest Day...

2008-06-20T12:56:00.004+01:00

In anticipation of tomorrow's mid summer solstice, i.e the longest day of the year, in sunlight terms as opposed to actual units of time, I thought I'd post my thoughts on the subject. Well basically I don't have much to say on the declination of the earth into such a position as to allow a greater length of time spent in the sun's cancer giving rays. I would however like to point out that technically that if tomorrow (the 21st of June) is the longest day of the year, and it is, then Sunday must be imperceptibly shorter....else that would be the longest day too, or an even longer day. But it's not, tomorrow is the longest day. Anyway if Sunday is slightly shorter than Saturday, and it is, you will, like me, no doubt notice that the evenings are beginning to draw in. Soon we'll be back to dark evenings, wet lashing-out-of-the-sky days, horribly overcast grey manky mornings, depressing will-someone give-me-a-knife-so-I-can-end-it-all kind of afternoons, dark dreary fucking ennui-inspiring early evenings, oh God will someone stop the dark feelings......(ahem)so that's my thoughts on the whole longest day debate......have a nice weekend.

Talk Radio

2008-06-12T07:43:00.008+01:00

Hello.....my name is Cubaboy and I'm addicted to talk radio......

I guess it all started when I was a young fella, like most young people I experimented when I was in secondary school, a little Gerry Ryan on a morning off, you know yourself. Then when I went to college it just seemed to be more freely available, and everyone seemed to be doing it. Call it peer pressure or maybe I just had too much time on my hands but what was just a recreational thing became a full blown addiction. I rarely made it into college before mid day (Ryan being on from nine until twelve) I managed to hide my secret and didn't let it affect my work. That was until one day I went to get my daily fix and Gerry Ryan wasn't available ( I think he was on holidays or something), all I was left with was Niall Prenderville on 96fm. I didn't want it at first but I needed something. Had I known then what I know now I would have run a mile.

At first I found Prenderville opinionated, annoying and the amount of breaks he took drove me mad, but the quality of provincial nutcase you got more than made up for it. In a short space of time I was hooked. Even when Ryan came back I just couldn't go back to listening to him, it just didn't give me the same buzz. I see now that Ryan was a gateway to harder talk radio.

My addiction grew from there until eventually the inevitable happened and I tried a little Joe Duffy. My first experience was wonderful, indescribable, to quote Trainspotting "think of the best sex you've ever had and multiple it by an thousand and you still don't come close". Some woman in Louth called Ethna had bought a suite of furniture and it hadn't arrived on time. By the time Joe was finished with the furniture company I was baying for blood. The exhilaration of the opening music, the ecstasy of the "good afternoon to you" in that flat Dublin working class accent, the way he can make the most meaningless incident seem like the end of the world, all left me wanting more!! The level of absolute stupidity from some of the cranks astounded me. The depths to which Joe will plumb to fill an hour of radio is incredible...and I loved it all. At the height of my addiction I was listening to up to eighteen hours of talk radio. I listen to The News on Radio One from seven to nine (with Cathal MaCuila), then Prendeville until twelve, then Joe for an hour, then Sean Moncrief on News Talk, then Matt Cooper's Last Word show on Today FM, then Eoin McDevit on Newstalk, once I even listened to Victor Barry on "Cork Talks Back" (Red FM) but even I couldn't handle the level of muck.

Well it had to come to an end eventually I suppose. I knew I'd hit rock bottom yesterday when I found myself listening to Derek Mooney and smiling to myself at his light entertainment afternoon show. I knew right there and then that I had a problem. Immediately I turned that radio off. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. How has it affected my life? Well I've been unable to motivate myself to find a proper job. since I left college I've worked in two well paid dead end jobs. Due to the easy availability of talk radio I just can't motivate myself to get back out there and find a more fulfilling job. Will I ever recover fully.....I don't know but with the help of God and the support of my friends and family I'm taking it one day at a time. Maybe one day I'll reach a happier place where I don't need talk radio.

I Will Never Tire Of Looking At This Picture...

2008-05-22T14:50:00.004+01:00

For those of you who don't know this is a picture of Chelsea and England defender and faux-hardman John Terry who last night missed a penalty in the Champions League final. The press have been more than fulsome in it's defence of the self styled "Captain Fantastic" with our own Eamon Dunphy describing him as "a model professional". Well may I say that not only is he an average defender who masks a lack of pace and an inability to read the game with a vicious brutality on the pitch, but off the pitch proves himself to be a quite the degenerate. This story details how the hero parked his Bentley in a disabled spot. And here where the England captain racially abused a fellow black English player, a story which was very much brushed over by the English media at the time.

Last night this jackass wanted to take the final penalty that would have won the Champions League for Chelsea, not for the good of the team (there were several other better penalty takers available) but to feed his own ego. Well I for on e am absolutely delighted that he missed.

PS to the Chelsea fans who had the delightful "Scouse Free Zone" banner, I guess Chelsea is now a "Trophy Free Zone" even after spending half a billion pounds to get there.

Silvio Berlesconi

2008-05-22T10:08:00.009+01:00

I've been a huge fan of Silvio Berlesconi for several years and his personal stock with me grew ten fold when I seen this on You Tube. Now auld Silvio's back in power he's started to clamp down on the human vermin that walk the streets of Italy (no, not the Italians!!)...the gypo's!!

Forza Silvio

Now I for one applaud his initiative and just wish our spineless, pc government would get off their hairy holes, stop calling each other "fuckers" under their breath, and introduce some good old fashioned draconian legislation that would lead to the extermination of the Irish gypsy, or knacker as they are colloquially known.

Knackers, or pikeys if you like, have been robbing and fly tipping around Ireland for hundreds of years. In between having "knacker fights" in secluded lane ways, these vermin will spend nights terrorising elderly bachelors in rural Ireland before robbing them and leaving them for dead. You'll get the old liberal lefty crying "racism" at sentiments like this but have they ever seen a lay by after a litter of knackers have moved on?? Have they ever seen the inside of a pub wrecked after a pikey wedding or funeral??

The solution is simple in it's finality. Collect all pikeys and put them on one of the islands off the west coast, with a specially constructed hundred foot fence around it. They'll be happy, moving about the island unhindered and marrying their twelve year old cousins and we'll be happy with a clean Ireland. I think over time we could reintegrate them back in Irish society, subject to forced sterilisation obviously.

Preview Of: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull

2008-05-21T14:52:00.005+01:00

Well early reviews are in for the new Indiana Jones film and surprise sur-fucking-prise it's shit. "Ohh it's not as good as before"..."ohh the story is shit...snivel..snivel". I have one question, what did you expect from a bunch of old men??? With a combined age of over 180 years of age, Harrison Ford, George Lucas and Steven Speilberg have produced nothing worth watching since...well 19 years ago when they produced the last Indiana Jones film "The Last Crusade". Each of these men have left their most productive years well and truly behind them and are now only in it for the money.

And since when is the subsequent outings of any franchise better than the first?? Was the fourth Star Wars better than the first?? Was the second LOTR's better than the first??

Added to this, the fact that Indiana Jones films are very much of their time. Remember twenty years ago to fly from Ireland to England cost 500 quid, foreign travel was very much a dream for common folk. So places such as the Orient were places of mystery. Now every Tom, Dick and Harry's been to the most secluded parts of the world on their gap year. What I'm trying to say is we've lost our since of wonder. With the explosion of cheap travel and satellite documentary channels (as well as well written and informative blogs) nothing really amazes us anymore. The James Bond franchise was fallen foul of the same disease. It may have been acceptable to make action films in the sixties but these days they're making more and better action sequences with more and better technology and the producers just can't keep up with the competition.

In conclusion, go see the film or don't go see the film. Whatever you decide remember it's not going to whimsically transport you back to your fucking youth when everything was more simple, when the summers were always sunny and when your biggest worry was not having your homework done. You're a fucking adult, grow up!!

The Eurovision Must Be Stopped

2008-05-21T10:01:00.005+01:00

As one of the few straight men across Europe to watch last night's Eurovision "Song" Contest (semi-final) I felt it my duty to inform you, my many readers, in my capacity as acting PRO of the Malafornia branch of Mal-Quida, in association with Killavullen Janjaweed, that we have declared a fattwa on the contest. At a hastily organised EGM last night it was decided due the blatant block voting by the Iron Curtain countries that something must be done. It is to that end that next Saturday night a delegation of suicide bombers from Mal-Quida and the Killavullen Janjaweed shall travel to Serbia and reek vengeance for last nights humiliation.

All this block voting is a slap in the face to us Western countries, who only a couple of decades ago freed these ingrates from their Russian overlords. Their thanks? not to vote for our Eurovision entry. I say let's send 'em back to the good old days when fifty of them had to huddle around a single spud for warmth, where they'd draw a cake on the wall for food, and where twenty of them had to have a Barry White in the same hole in the ground.

I wouldn't mind but many of them have come over here taking our low and semi skilled jobs through hard work and perseverance whilst working for less than the minimum wage. Then they brought their fit women folk with their perfectly toned arses and pert upper body areas to tease us so as we'd take our minds off stuff and not do our jobs good. Anyway all this will end on Saturday night when the intifada begins.

Also did anyone notice that the Eurovison is possible THE gayest event on earth?? The "presenters" did a link from the audience last night and their must have been ten lads to every fucking lad!! There may be some collateral damage amongst Europe's gay community, no offense is intended. You don't want to upset the gay's, they're one community you don't want on you back.

Disorder Affected by Season

2008-05-15T14:57:00.005+01:00

Unless you've been imprisoned by your rapist father in a dungeon for the last week you will have noticed that we're getting somewhat of a hot spell. Greens up and down the land are crammed with children out playing ball, beaches are thronged with drunken youths doing donuts in their souped up punto's, ice cream vans are doing roaring trade and I'm fucking miserable.

It's not just the usual malcontent I feel towards fellow human beings, this is a more deeply felt ennui. Every child's scream of delight as it chases a ball seems to go right through me. Every smiling face enrages me. Every fat bird in her strapy top, corn beef arms and cankles turns my stomach.

I knew this just wasn't me so I decided to consult one of my medical journals. To my astonishment I have a very serious disorder call DAS (Disorder Affected by Season). Quite like SAD, DAS is far more prevalent than you may think and is thought to affect roughly one in every 6.5billion people worldwide. Symptoms can include a pain in the hole (figuratively not literally), downness of the mouth area, a ten percent increase in curmudgeonliness and murderous thoughts about those around you. If you feel any of these thoughts you may be suffering from DAS.

On the heels of my diagnosis I decided not to let DAS rule my life. I'm not going to be a victim, I'm going to be an example for all other DAS sufferers out there. It's to that end that I'm organising a fund raiser in my back garden this weekend. And all funds raised will go to sufferers of DAS. Unfortunately I cannot invite any people to the function since the very sight of people can turn me into a murderous rage, so if you would like to donate please send me an email with your bank details

Forget Nostradamus, Smokey Are The Real Deal!!

2008-05-09T14:45:00.004+01:00

I've been watching this whole Josef Fritzl thing unfold over the last few weeks with a mixture of disgust and dismay. How could one man be so evil? How could the wife not know about it? What drives a man to such an act? I've been pouring over every column inch trying to glean every single detail that I could to better understand the man monster. Of course the most incisive reporting I have found came from the Mallafornia Star's own Ulick McCracken. I've reprinted (with his permission) an excerpt from a recent article he wrote on the whole sorry affair, it's an interview with Fritzl's neighbour:

Ulick McCracken: So how long have you been living next door to Alice?

Neighbour: Alice?.......Who the fuck is Alice?

UMcC:So for 24 year you've been living next door to Alice??

Chilling.

Cubaboy Gives Something Back....

2007-12-20T10:13:00.000Z

For years I've been fucking plagued by those annoying "Flyin' Enterpirse" ads on 96fm and that cunt Billa. Every fucking ad break I hear that shite old time music thats supposed to invoke a sense of homeliness and welcoming and then that fucking caricature comes on with worse rhymes than a mildly autistic child could come up with. I swear if he rhymes "able" with "table" once more I'll send him a fucking thesaurus......try "stable", "cable", "fable". "Remember still only a stones throw from the cath-eed-er-ill".........all I can say is he must have some fucking throw on him. And if the ads weren't bad enough now he's got an album out for Christmas called "Billa's down Memory Lane".......well all I can say if Billa's down a lane I hope to fuck it's the lane inhabited by thieves, murderers, buggerers, clap ridden hoors, flesh eating microbes, finna fail politicians and pricks of all variety.

After much discussion with my solicitor it was decided that killing the auld bastard might not be entirely law full. So I contacted my old buddy from Hollywoodland, Quentin Tarantino, and we decided to make a movie together. You know Quentin's as made as shit and I had to put my foot down when he wanted to cast Samuel L Jackson as Billa, but we came up with a good script and I think the poster speaks for itself.

It's in The Gate cinema on North Gate Bridge on Stephens Day......"only a stones throw from the cath....eed....er.....illll"