The Recession Isn't All Bad

Whoever said that every cloud does not have a silver lining is a stupid cunt in my view. While we are all suffering in the current financial climate, (well I'm not, I have a relatively good job, tracker mortgage and didn't pay too much over the odds for my home), I am absolutely delighted to see some members of society are suffering more than others.

The first group of people that I take absolute pleasure in seeing dossing around the streets are taxi drivers. In my view taxi drivers are the scum of the earth, just above politicans who are the scum of the sub-earth. They are a bunch of pox ridden, foul smelling know-it-all's who have no discernible talent apart form being the new Dick Turpins of the highways. Who amongst us have not been robbed by one of these Aids ridden cunts. During the "boom" times in this country taxi drivers made so much money during the Christmas period that they could afford to take the entire month of January off and go on holidays. The one thing that they are supposed to be able to do, i.e. drive, they seem completely incapable of doing. Lanes, indicators, courtesy to other drivers are all foreign concepts to these cocksuckers. I hope you all die horribly in grisly car accidents you absolute cunts.

The second group to get a lash of the Celtic Recession are those purveyors of human misery, pub owners. Another group who during the boom time became absolute millionaires on the backs of people's greed and stupidity. Everytime a pub goes out of business in this country I have a little toast to myself.....using affordable beer purchased in a supermarket that tastes better than the cheap overpriced swill that passes for beer in Irish pubs.

The last group whom I personally would like to take a bottle of petrol to are the good people of Soundstore. If you're not Irish Soundstore is (again) a purveyor or cheap electronics at sky high prices. When I purchased my home a few years ago I had, like everyone else, to fit out the house with all the modern gadgets, i.e a fucking washing machine, toaster, t.v etc. I did my shopping in that kip that passes for a shop and my total bill came to two thousand, two hundred and twenty three euro and fifty cents. I should mention at this point that I had to purchase several tv cables at the same time and it was a cash transaction. When I asked the auld wagon would there be any discount for cash she just looked down her old, over made up nose and said "no". They wouldn't even throw in the cables. When I handed over the cash she said I didn't need to bother with the fifty cent. So for spending approximately half an hour with me I gave Soundstore enough money to pay this cunts wages for an entire month. Needless to say, I will never, ever ever spend another cent in that shithole. Everyone I meet I eventaully tell this story to and I encourage people not to spend any money there.

You may ask what side of the bed I got out of this morning. Well I write this article because over the course of the morning I have heard ad's for each of these scumbags (who minted it in the good times and forgot about delivering a fair customer service) and who now a on the skids bigtime. I have just one message for you, Rot in hell you fuckbags!!!

How Do You "Unfriend" Someone??

It seems today that everyone is obsessed with Facebook, or Friendpage as the IT Crowd hilariously lampooned it. It's become so mainstream that South Park recently devoted an episode to it. I must admit that I do not have a Facebook profile but recently, like Stan Marsh, find myself being pressured into getting one by friends and various interest groups. I must admit that in the past few weeks my resolve is beginning to weaken and I have become interested in what goes on within the walls of this community that I am (self) exiled from.



I understand that on Facebook you request to be someones "friend". Now as you may know I am not a "friendly" person. In fact the sight of other people generally gives me the liquid shits. And the very thought of interacting with other human beings puts me into a Howard Hughesesque state of apoplexy. The inevitable conclusion from accepting someone as a "friend" is that you can "unfriend" them if they, say, sleep with your wife, or shoot your dog, or fail to give you a sheaf of wheat on Farmville (or whatever the fuck people do on a virtual fucking farm)!.



This begs the question for me, how do you "unfriend" someone in real life. I was recently at a gathering (and before you ask, yes, it was a gathering of fucking people, not stones) and I made a cardinal error, for me, of acknowledging someones existence. It was a casual "how's it going" said more as a matter of course rather than any actual interest on my behalf as to the persons well being. I'm not sure who was more shocked by the exchange, me or him. We both continued on our way not a hundred per cent sure of what had just taken place. Now I find myself in the horrible situation of having to say "hello" everytime our paths cross.

I really did not want this. How the hell do I "unfriend" him. Can I take him aside and gently tell him I've made a horrible mistake and that he should never look in my direction again?? That seems slightly odd because it would be more words than I've ever said to him and in my attempt to "unfriend" him I may end up actually starting a conversation with him and getting on and becoming an actual friend. OR, what if he just looks at me blankly and asks who the fuck I am??

Ohh fuck this, why can't there by a button that I can click to just delete him from my list of friends!!! That's it, next time I see him I'm going to walk straight up to him and punch him in the fucking face...cunt!!

Disorder Affected by Season

Unless you've been imprisoned by your rapist father in a dungeon for the last week you will have noticed that we're getting somewhat of a hot spell. Greens up and down the land are crammed with children out playing ball, beaches are thronged with drunken youths doing donuts in their souped up punto's, ice cream vans are doing roaring trade and I'm fucking miserable.



It's not just the usual malcontent I feel towards fellow human beings, this is a more deeply felt ennui. Every child's scream of delight as it chases a ball seems to go right through me. Every smiling face enrages me. Every fat bird in her strapy top, corn beef arms and cankles turns my stomach.



I knew this just wasn't me so I decided to consult one of my medical journals. To my astonishment I have a very serious disorder call DAS (Disorder Affected by Season). Quite like SAD, DAS is far more prevalent than you may think and is thought to affect roughly one in every 6.5billion people worldwide. Symptoms can include a pain in the hole (figuratively not literally), downness of the mouth area, a ten percent increase in curmudgeonliness and murderous thoughts about those around you. If you feel any of these thoughts you may be suffering from DAS.



On the heels of my diagnosis I decided not to let DAS rule my life. I'm not going to be a victim, I'm going to be an example for all other DAS sufferers out there. It's to that end that I'm organising a fund raiser in my back garden this weekend. And all funds raised will go to sufferers of DAS. Unfortunately I cannot invite any people to the function since the very sight of people can turn me into a murderous rage, so if you would like to donate please send me an email with your bank details