Cubaboy Too Lazy To Post

Yes it's finally happened, I've got too lazy to think of anything even mildly amusing to post on my blog. I'm sitting here now stuffed with free choclate that they plied us with at work in the vain hopes of getting a full day's work out of us and I just couldn't be bothered. I contemplated doing something funny involving Dutton's face on Rodge or Podge or Ciaran/Jack Black episode 149 but really I just couldn't be pushed. I see Genthar has done something hilarious about Pluto or something. I really should buck up my idea's and do some form of '2005 a retrospection' but who would want to relive the past year, I mean as years go it was fairly shitty. The Pope died, which depending on you religion was a good or a bad thing. George Best finally died, both deaths got more media attention than the hundreds of thousands of people who died in Pakistan. But that's fair enough, two privilged white men deserve much attetion than a bunch of deprived Pakis.

I suppose that over Christmas I'll be doing some brainstorming in an attempt to win back my ever dwindling audience. I promise you even more expose's involving Dutton dressed as a woman, Ciaran in a mapcap comedy and anti Hollywood rants. Plus a special feature called 'Expose A Padeophile'. My plan goes as follows, everytime you log onto this webblog I can see your ISP and referring page (among other things). In previous posts I've described the varity of perv's logging onto this site as a result of looking for filth through google searches. Now while the majority of these prev's have been as regular as could be hoped for I will attempt to trap a peado next year and blackmail him. I will add some dubious words like, kiddy and explicit in the hopes that someone will search these words and find themselves on my site. The bait been taken the blackmail will begin.

Well I'm off now for a huge Christmas turkey and some mulled wine.......ok some roast chicken and a bottle of coke..........ok a frozen pizza and some water. Happy Christmas.

'A Christmas Wank' Spurts In At No 1

Great news everybody my song, ' A Christmas Wank', has reached number one spot in the official UK charts. After initially sluggish sales early last week a whirlwind tour of northern England pushed sales over the top. But we can't rest on our laurels, with only a week to go we must keep purchasing Christmas Wanks to make sure it's stays at number one. Buy now and receive a personalised Christmas Wank for Sir Cliff. Speaking of Sir Cliff you'll be glad to hear that he's over the moon with his latest chart success and promises a new album in '06.

As you can see we're outselling those Westlife shitebags, but we must be vigilant of the threat posed by Nizolpi and that dreadful JCB Song.

Farewell until next week dear reader and remember, let's pull together for a white Christmas.

NO, I Would Not Like To Support SHARE

I had the displeasure of being in town last Saturday doing a little Christmas shopping and even I was astonished by the number of panhandlers around the town. I don't mean your usual bowzy on Patricks bridge, or your friendly Romanian hocking the Big Issue. No the beggars to which I refer are the fresh faced teens asking "Would you like to support SHARE?". Now before you go, 'here he goes again', listen to me for a second. In the space of one hundred yards I was asked the question four times. If I wanted to support SHARE I would have given money to the first beggar. They seen me coming....
First Beggar:"Would you like to support SHARE?"
Me" "(head down, avoid eye contact, say nothing)
Second Beggar:"Would you like to support SHARE?"
Me" "(head still down, still avoiding eye contact, getting increasingly self conscious)
Third Beggar:"Would you like to support SHARE?"
Me" "(Crimson at this stage, eyes watering, beginning to shake)
Fourth BEggar:"Would you li
Me:"Oh for fucksake take it, take it all(taking out my wallet and throwing a couple of tens and a five at the beggar before collapsing on the street weeping).

Now this may be a fictionalized account of what happened but my point is this, today you are no longer given the option not to contribute to charity. Basically the tactic of these Charity Muggers(or charity fuckers as I like to call them) is to embarrass you into contributing. I mean what do you do when confronted with the situation, do you smile politely and say no thank you?? But then why are you thanking them??? Do you keep your head down and walk on?? That's a little rude I think?? Or do you just say no!! And even in my own workplace some goody two shoes decided that we would all buy a present for some looser kid who's parents couldn't or wouldn't buy him a gift. Isn't that the point of Christmas, bad kids get nowt??
The pressure to join, in the form of 'here are the contributors so far, is your name here' emails was intense.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against giving, why only this year I gave a large portion of my paltry salary to the government in the form of taxes. I taxed my car last January and the main beneficires were the government. In fact everytime I have a pint the large minority of the price is donated to the government. What I'm saying basically is that the government should support SHARE, and all other charities. Charities shouldn't have to beg on the street. The government abdicates it's responsibility(and not just this government, it's whatever party that assumes they have a mandate because people vote for them and not the equally repulsive bunch of thieves) to the poorest and most vulnerable. But of course this will never happen because it's not sexy to support SHARE, or the Pakistanis freezing to death. The whole Tsunami thing, very sexy, lots of Kudos.

So basically what I want you all to do is go out and instead of giving money to SHARE or whoever, buy a gun (preferablly automatic) and take a pot shot at your local TD. It's time we overthrew democratic government. Democray doesn't work, it just doesn't work.

'A Christmas Wank' Enters Charts At No 3

Great news everybody, my single has entered the UK Top 40 at number 3. This is fantastic for a debut single and is, no doubt, due in no small part to your loyalty in purchasing the single. We're also doing well in America (no 11) where the kids have invented a dance to go with the song, they call it 'The Wank'.





Sir Cliff is overjoyed at the success and has even managed to stay off the booze for two whole weeks. We're embarking on a whirlwind tour of England this evening in an attempt to push it tonumber one. So let me finish by saying, if you have a 'Christmas Wank' well done and thanks, if you don't have a 'Christmas Wank' then go out and get one now!!

Hollywood Does It Again

Last night was an eye opener for even me. Just when I thought Hollywood coudn't possibly produce any more rancid, fetid crap I last night had the absolute displeasure of seeing War Of The Worlds (2005). Let me tell you the story, someone rented the DVD for me on Saturday night, however due to an over consumption of Hardys Reserve red wine I decided to take to my bed and watch it on Sunday. Problems arose when I had to take the DVD back and I decided to copy the DVD and watch it later that night, thereby having both my cake and the opportunity to eat it. Now I hate Steven Spielberg, I hate every single film he's ever been involved in, I hate his self congratulatory smug fucking face. This film from slow dreary start to its "lets rap this thing up quickly, we've run over budget" ending is dross of the highest order. Cruise plays an uncaring father, his character is so unlikeable you really don't care what happens to him. Then you've got Dakota Fanning who screams for the entire picture, I'm not joking, the film last's 1 hour and forty minutes and she's screaming for one hour and ten, I timed it!! Then there's his looser son, a character so annoying that when he eventually "goes over the hill" you are so relieved and delighted that you don't have to hear him anymore. And of course there's the obligatory happy ending which is so tacked on its an absolute sham.

This has to end. We have to draw a line in sand and say NO MORE. By going to the cinema we are condoning this sort of rubbish and allowing Hollywood moguls the opportunity to make even more money. I lost an hour and forty minutes of my life last night which I'll never see again.

Well I say Never, never again shall I be scammed by Hollywood acting by numbers. The next film I'm going to see is that film with the pinguins in it. Much lower paid than Mr Cruise but a hell of alot more soul.

Ancient Rocker And Internet Ne'r-Do Well To Launch Bid For Christmas No 1

Yes my friends myself and Sir Cliff Richard have combined our musical talents and have come up with a song which we hope will achieve the Christmas number one spot. The song will go on release worldwide tomorrow morning and can be bought at all good muscial despensing outlets. "A Christmas Wank" will (hopefully) be Cliff's seventh Christmas number one and will (hopefully) be my first. Cliff and meself first met on the sunny isle of Barbados when I was on holiday there last year. During a marathon drink and drug binge (in which I was merely an observer) the legendary God botherer happened to mention how tired he was of his "goody two shoes" image and wanted to "rip it up Robbie Williams style". When I mentioned that Robbie Williams was as likely to "rip it up" as I was of being voted world's most likeable fellow the wrinkly rocker seemed crestfallen. However I agreed to help him and after minutes of effort we came up the catchy title for our song.

Me and Cliff "Jammin"

Cliff invited me back to his pad (which had a disturbing over abundance of pool boys!!!) and we got to work. Over the following days we put together what will possibly be THE greatest Christmas song of all time. "I really want to keep those Westlife shitbags off No 1 this year, they really get on my tits" Cliff told me, "as for that JCB song, fuck me....a song about a digger...what next.......in my day we sang about holding a girls hand and what have you".

Cliff Now Has To Wear Plastic Pants On Stage........Sad

So now it's up to you gentle reader. I urge you go to your music stores and request "A Christmas Wank" form the girl behind the counter. And hopefully it'll be a white Christmas for us all!!

My Family Tree

A few months ago I was going through an endless series of messages in my Hotmail Inbox which promised everything form genital enlargement to pictures of horny housewifes. Now, having no need of the former and little interest in the latter I was preparing to delete the entire lot when one caught my eye. It was an add for Ancestry.com which promised to find my relations for a once off payment of $19.99. Well always being interested in history and what have you I decided to take up the offer.

This morning I received my first report, the results startled even me.......

It seems that I had a great grand cousin, twice removed, added back on, on my fathers side. Thomas "Bugsy" Creedon left the quiet pastures of Ballyvouskill in the Great Fire of Aught 6 for the shores of America. Along with millions of poor Irish immigrants Thomas was a charming cheeky sterotype who made his way in an alien environment.

However Thomas also had a darker side. While running an illegal gambling ring in New York's upper west side he cut off an Armenians scrotum in a fight. Thomas had the scrotum made into a purse in which he carried the poor Armenians balls until the day he died.

By the twenties Thomas, or Bugsy as he now liked to be known, was running the Irish mafia in New York and with the advent of prohabition went into business with Al "Scarface" Capone. Capone and Bugsy became firm friends with Capone once referring to Bugsy as "the greatest criminal mastermind I've ever known".

Unfortunately Bugsy's life did not end happily, he was shot to death while in bed with half a dozen show girls by a rival for his criminal business empire.



Al Capone Holds The Door For Bugsy


You Want To Do What On Valentines Day????



Shocking stuff I think you'll agree. There promises to be even more startling updates on my family tree over the coming weeks.

BlogsByStephen To Receive State Funding

On a recent trip to Dublin I was accosted by several burly gentlemen in dark suits and glasses "requesting" that I get into the blacked out BMW which was curb crawling next to us. Well as you can imagine I was more than a little apprehensive about this develpoment. I needn't have worried however as I quickly found out that I had been summoned to an audience with our glorious Taoiseach, Mr Bertie Ahern. The purpose of my abduction/visit was simple he explained, government mandarins had noticed that my blog, BlogsByStephen, had gained a world wide audience and, if I was aggreable, they would "sponsor" some future blogs. In exchange all I have to do is back in writing which ever hairbrained scheme the Government come up with next, free heroin clinics, inforced public nudity for hot chicks, inforced waring of clothes for mingers....wahtever, it's A Ok with me.

I'm standing in front of what???

I was released soon after by Bertie, but not before I got this snazzy picture of me "The Small Fella". Just in case you were wondering what a rabid Shinner like myself was doing in front of THAT flag, well it was one of those unfortunate pictures that the press sometimes take of you in a compromising position.