'A Christmas Wank' Spurts In At No 1

Great news everybody my song, ' A Christmas Wank', has reached number one spot in the official UK charts. After initially sluggish sales early last week a whirlwind tour of northern England pushed sales over the top. But we can't rest on our laurels, with only a week to go we must keep purchasing Christmas Wanks to make sure it's stays at number one. Buy now and receive a personalised Christmas Wank for Sir Cliff. Speaking of Sir Cliff you'll be glad to hear that he's over the moon with his latest chart success and promises a new album in '06.

As you can see we're outselling those Westlife shitebags, but we must be vigilant of the threat posed by Nizolpi and that dreadful JCB Song.

Farewell until next week dear reader and remember, let's pull together for a white Christmas.