Suicide Match

There's been a lot of talk recently about suicide pacts. Fellas meeting over the Internet and traveling out to lakes in the middle of nowhere and ending it all. Now I can't solve this crisis, I can't even make a meaningful contribution to the debate, what I can do however is bring like minded people together and possibly make a few bob in the process.

"I forgot to pay the gas bill, I'm so sad, boo hoo"

Announcing, Cubaboy's Suicide Dating Service.

Feeling lonely?? Girlfriend dumped you?? No friends?? Contemplating the Big S??? Well don't just sit there in a dark room like a sad sack, contact Cubaboy and I will match your personal details to other manic depressives in your area. I will also suggest possible locations and methods you may wish to consider when the big day comes. Act now and get a free noose!!

Just listen to this testimonial from one of my current clients:

Dave in Terminfeckum - "I would recommend Cubaboy's service to anyone. I'm currently meeting with several lunatics in my area with a view to forming some form of suicide pact. I'll definitely use Cubaboy's service again.....oh wait......hahaha no I won't......sorry a little gallows humour there"

Call 0898 55-55-55 for further details.

Act now and not only will you get a free noose but I'll also throw in a free bucket to stand on.

"Suicide Match" is a subsidary of Cubaboy Products & Services International and terms and conditions apply. Cubaboy - putting the "laughter" back in "slaughter".

Cubaboy Damaged

I don't know what made me do it......I was sweating and shivering in equal measure........my skin felt prickly as if there were a thousand ants just below the surface trying to burrow out. My condition was due in no small part to an over consumption of American beer and Austrian Schnapps the night before. The foul Chinese I had just consumed was revoltingly sloshing around in my stomach and making frequent attempts to break free via any available orifice. It was then [sobbing quietly now] that I took a rash decision that will haunt me for the rest of my days.....I watched and RTE home made drama!!

Yes that's right, last night I watch the televisual equivalent of eaten diarrhea vomited back up. The show in question was called Damage and told the tale of a very nasty Celtic Tiger family who seemed to shop at Brown Thomas exclusively, snort more cocaine than Tony Montoya and who had a mother and father who were both screwing around. Basically a more unsympathetic bunch of people you could possibly not find. The "story", if I can loosely use the term, revolved around their 21 year old daughter, who looked closer to forty five, who gets raped by a family friend at her 21st birthday party, while coked off her bin, and then her quest for justice.

I'm almost at a loss to tell you how bad this show was....allow me to try however. The acting was of such a poor standard that I would have preferred to watch my own testicles being ripped off by a dog with not very sharp teeth. So witless were the performances that you could almost see the "actors" reading off auto cue cards. Now I'm not one to engage in personal attacks but the "young" wan who gets raped is possibly the ugliest girl I've seen in manys the long day. The characters were so unsympathetic that I really couldn't give a fuck whether the rapist got away with it or not. Just as I was about to projectile vomit and explosively shit my pants at the same time with rage I was persuaded away from the channel, this with approximately 15 minutes remaining and no end in sight to the tedium.

I was surprised to find out when I researched this shit that there was actually a writer involved in the project. I mean what the fuck did this person do? There was no script to speak of, the characters were one dimensional and loathsome, the story was absolutely non existent and lent nothing to your classic "rape" storyline. Basically a fucking two year old could have done a better job if they wrote the story in their own shit. Then I read the fucking tripe is up for an award??? Fuck me, in what category??? "Most Retarded Shite I've Ever Seen On Tele" award??? And to think, next Saturday I'm going to have to withdraw 158 euro from my hard earned savings to give to RTE (in the form of a license fee) to put more of this shit on??!!? Well I want to report a crime, my eyes were raped last night and my mind sodomised by RTE.

Forza Burlesconi

I dislike and distrust foreigners. I especially dislike and distrust Italians. And I especially especially dislike and distrust Italian politicians. Up until this morning former Italian Prime Minister and AC Milan owner would have been top of my list. And then I saw this.

If only all politicians could behave so disgracefully in public I might have more respect for them!

A New Feature On BlogsByStephen

Firstly let me apologise for my prolonged absence. I was helping with the formation of a new Government and I think the results of my efforts are there for all to see, a slap dash half hearted effort that has become a byword for BlogsByStephen!! Today I take the greatest pleasure in announcing a new feature on the BlogsByStephen, a ClustrMap. This handy little feature will not only tell you where you are in the world (if you're so fucking thick that you need to be told) but it will also tell everyone else who's dropping by BBS. You'll also notice that I have moved up my sitemeter from the end of the page to a more visible position. I've also posted a couple of links which I like to visit from time to time, one is the Guardian website, whose football coverage is second to few and the second is to long time associate Colonel Creedon, who not only visits the site but also leaves the occasional comment (note to the rest of ye lazy fuckers!!!)

These are only a few of the changes I've planned in the next few weeks (and by that I mean they're all the changes I've planned). So if you like/dislike the new layout or want to share a sexual health issue with the group for our titillation please feel free to do so.

Nigger, Nigger, Nigger!!!

I am not a tolerant man. I am not a patient man. I am not a man to protest for someone else's rights. I am not, in my view, a racist man. I am also not a man who wastes his time watching the televisual excrement that is Big Brother. However it has come to my notice that another "Big Brother Race Row" is brewing. Apparently one white vacuous bitch called an equally vacuous black bitch a "nigger". From what I understand it was said in jest but what annoys the fuck out of me is that it's not politically correct to say nigger. Apparently the worst thing in the world you can do these days is say the word nigger. Yet the same black people who are so offended by the word openly call each other nigger. To be honest I don't give a fuck what people call each other, what I do object to is the fact that the PC police have deemed it a hate crime for me to use a word. Maybe if they didn't get so het up about the word it would lose some of it's taboo quality and we'd all be a little less sensitive. Channel Four must be delighted however, their ratings for tonight's show might reach double figures now, niggers!!!!

Mascot Madness

I don't know about you but I'm batshit crazy about mascots. Ever since I can remember I've been excited by what wondrous emblem of hope that inevitably accompanies a major sporting event. I remember my obsession started with Pique in the World Cup Finals in 1986. Pique came into my life in the form of an assembleable toy inside a kinder surprise egg. I played for hours putting his head where his legs should go etc. Italia 90 gave us Ciao, a minimalist stick and ball figure, maybe not as malleable as Pique but fun for a brief period none the less. Then those bastard Americans gave us Striker and things started going down hill fast. The French followed with the abomination that was Footix, a mascot that I would have loved to have kicked in the Ballix!! And most recently Germany gave us a homosexual lion called Goleo.



Then this morning I saw the mascot for London 2012's Olympic bid and I was fucking disgusted. It took me a little while to figure out what I was looking at, much like those pictures you have to squint your eyes at, but when I did my fucking jaw hit the floor. It's only a picture of Lisa Simpson giving her brother a blow job!!!