Election 2007:Results (For Malafornia South Central)

Ahhh well (weary sigh) it's all over for another five years. As you may have guessed from the wall to wall coverage on RTE since last Friday, Cubaboy was not given a mandate by the knuckle dragging locals in South Central. My voting pact with Mr. Tayto crumbled like a salted snack in a bold child's hand, as did my hopes to rule you dogs....well, like the dogs you are!!

Instead of choosing the path less trodden you fools chose the same auld bunch of slags who you'll be cursing before the end of the week because your tea is too hot or you're too fat or some other inane complaint whilst ignoring the fact that your life is in fact shit.

Anyway I suppose there's no hope for this society. Ye'r all a bunch of fucking losers and no amount of common sense from me will sort ye out. I will not however slink out of public life like the shitbag McDowell. My plans for domination need refinement, a military coup perhaps. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Democracy just doesn't work.

Election 2007 Update

Just a quick note since I won't be with you tomorrow (I'll be at the count center in Malafornia) I've just come from the voting cubicle in South Central and the turnout is said to be in and around 1% so far. This is a massive up surge since the last election when a disappointing 0.5% of the population turned out to vote. Early exit polls suggest that the voting pact with Mr Tayto is holding up in the North Ward but Mal-Qaida have polled strongly in the West Ward, with Militant Lesbians doing well in Malafornia's gay quarter. I won't get much sleep in the next forty eight hours but fingers crossed it'll all be worth it when I'm elected. Until Monday when I'll reveal the final result.....Cubaboy Abu!!

New Axis Of Evil In Irish Politics

There are as yet unconfirmed reports that there may be a new Axis Of Evil about to enter Irish politics as Cubaboy's Me Fein Party is rumoured to be in talks over a pre election pact with Mr Tayto. Neither side were available for comment this afternoon but sources close to the fictional fried snack purveyor are quoted as saying "we're looking closely at forming a coalition with the Me Feiners after the election if the numbers stack up".

The news has drawn strong reaction from the other parties in the Malafornia South Central constituency with Militant Lesbian candidate Mildred "Butch" O Brien stating "this is a bloody stunt, you'd expect nothing more from a man, as I said to my Filipino live-in-lover this morning as I was soaping her down in the shower!!". Mal-Qaida candidate Osama Bin O Connor is reported to be planing a suicide attack on Cubaboy's headquarters after he declared a Fatwah on Cubaboy and Mr Tayto.

The tie up between the parties isn't as unlikely as it may initially seem. Both parties have very similar stances when it comes to genocide with Mr Tayto's party promising to slowly kill the salted snack eating population through an increase in high collesterol, diabetes and heart complaints whereas as Cubaboy has promised to summarily exterminate 40% of the population upon his election as Taoiseach.

Sitemeter Is Shit And Run By Fucking Morons

As the title of this post may suggest I'm having issues with my Sitemeter. Well, when I say issues that conjures up images of a service that works periodically. I haven't had a recorded hit on my site since May 8, 2007. Now what the fuck do they think they're playing at??? I've announced that I'm running for the Dail and these fucking cunts decide lets fuck Cubaboy up by denying him what should be a virtual landslide worth of hits. By the way I can't fucking afford to miss these hits, it's not as if I have a large readership. To add insult to injury I have mailed them three or four times and the useless fucking jobsworth wankrags can't even be bothered to respond. Sitemeter is shit and run by fucking morons.

Poll Shows Cubaboy Well Positioned To Take A Seat

The first NRBI/TMS poll was released in the Malafornia South Central constituency since Cubaboy announced that he was going to run in the election and it shows that he is in a strong position to claim Me Fein's first seat in Dail Eireann.

The poll of one hundred Malafornians last Sunday, as they were coming out of an illegal badger fight, shows Cubaboy on 20% of the popular vote just 1% behind the Militant Lesbian candidate Mildred "Butch" O Brien. However Cubaboy is just 2% ahead of Mal-Qaida candidate Osama Bin O Connor. Trailing in last position is IFART (Irish Farmers And Republicans Trade union) candidate Tadhy Murphy with only 9% of the first preference vote. Worryingly for all candidates however is that 32% of those polled said the intended to vote for another candidate....in the four candidate constituency.

With just eight days to go until voting day Cubaboy is said to be delighted with progress so far and is looking forward to ruling you all like the dogs you are.

Election 07 Update

Wow! What a weekend on the hustings. After I left work on Friday I hit the campaign trail in Malafornia South Central. My manifesto seemed to go down really well with the local Malafornian's with many engaging in heated debate with me. I fielded a number of questions ranging from "Who are you?" to "What do you want?". Luckily I had my official photographer with me and I got a couple of snaps of me on the campaign trail.

Here's me and a handicapped lad I employ to hand out fliers, well when I say employ I give him a few buttons and he's delighted with himself, putting in the effort eh!?!??! Anyway this picture demonstrates my "walking lanes" on footpaths idea. Imagine you're coming against us in the opposite direction, where do you go?? You do a bit of slaloming and if you're lucky the handicap doesn't bite you. However, if there were footpath lanes you could pass by unhindered, you could even reach a respectable foot speed of 1.3 miles per hour.

Here I am coming down Malafornia's only escalator, or "moving stairs" as the locals call it. It's rather ironic however since the bloody thing has never actually moved, it was ex military stock from the old Soviet Union. Imagine, when I seize power two and a half of the people in this picture will be exterminated. Wanna guess who??

Anyway, tomorrow's an important day with the publishing of the first TMS/NRBI poll since I entered the race. It should give a good indicator as to where I stand in relation to my nearest competitors Mal-Qaida and the Militant Lesbians.

Until tomorrow, Cubaboy Abu!!

Vote Cubaboy In Election 07

A Chara,

It is with great pride that I announce my candidature for the 30th Dail.

As part of my new vision for Ireland I have made a list of promises, each more unbelievable than the last, in an attempt to win your vote. By reading this list of promises to yourself you are forming a contract between you and me. A contract which I may choose to void at a later date but one which will be binding on you. As leader of the Me Fein party I want to make Ireland a better place for some of us, a place where stupidity will be drastically reduced, a place where you can walk down the street and not have some twat walk out in front of you and a place where those fucking whining nurses will all be fired.

When I am elected in the constituency of Malafornia South Central I make the following promises

1. The immediate dissolution of both houses of the Oireachtas and office of President and the establishment of Office Of The Benevolent Dictator, me.
   
2. The immediate culling of 40% of the population in extermination camps. There are far too many dozy, stupid fuckers in this country, I pledge to rid the country of these muhawns.
   
3. The introduction of footpath lanes and helmets with wing mirrors to avoid walking out in front of people on the footpath. I also hope to provide every surviving citizen with "indicator belts" within my first 100 days of power.
   
4. The immediate banning of all SUV's, unless you live on an extremely hilly farm.
   
5. The introduction of mandatory death sentences for all people found to be misusing the overtaking lane.

I look forward to meeting with you on the doorsteps over the next week and a half to discuss my views and whether or not you are part of the 40% who will no longer be with us if I have my way.

Rememer, a vore for Cubaboy is not a wasted vote. Cubaboy Abu!!

Paris Hilton's New Sex Video

Unless you've been living under a rock for the last few years you will have seen Paris Hilton fucking or being fucked on video. Now don't get me wrong I'm not a prude or anything, fair play to you Paris I say if you want the world to see you being ridden up the wrong 'un. All these other videos have only been a warn up however for her next sex video. It was announced today that Paris's gang rape's, which will take place in the federal correctional facility that she will attend, are going to be videoed on poor quality close circuit camera and sold on dvd later this year. Some scenarios have already been leaked by the "studio", one such scenario involves Paris's teeth being broken before a home made soap dildo is shoved down her throat in the prison's shower block. Personally I don't want to see such degrading treatment of the woman I regard as the new Mother Theresa and will be signing this petition so as she doesn't have to live a minute more than she has to in the real world.

You Need A License For A Dog

There's an award system out there called the Darwin Awards which highlight the dimmest, laziest and stupidest that have managed to drag themselves through life until, through their own dimness, laziness or stupidity, they manage to kill themselves in a bizarre fashion. If there is an award for dumb fucks who contribute to the death/disappearance of their children then maybe these two gormless fuckers should get it. Whilst on a jolly in Portugal Mr and Missus fucking clueless thought it would be a good idea to go for a couple of pints down the local tapas bar leaving a three year old and twin one year old's to look after each other. What I find unbelievable about this whole story is that a significant amount of people are surprised that something bad happened. These two fucking idiots thought it would be better to leave three children unattended and get pissed rather than employ the services of a hotel listed baby sitter, why not, it might have cost the equivalent of two pints and a packet to rancerhos.

Of course the blame game has begun in earnest with the English red tops intimating incompetence on behalf of the Portuguese constabulary. It's fucking indicative of this society that when something goes wrong there's always someone else to blame. No one is responsible for anything anymore. Killed someone?? Say you were drunk and can't remember what happened. Caught fiddling with kiddies??? Say you were abused as a child. Caught randomly assaulting someone on the street??? Say you had a rough upbringing. Caught taking illegal payments while minister for Finance??? Say you were going through a messy divorce at the time. From the very top of Western society we are getting the message that you can do anything and if you spin the story correctly you can walk off scott free.

But back to taking absolutely no responsibility for the filth that you helped bring into this world and last night at a ten thirty there were approximately fifteen children, aged between six and eleven playing on the green outside my house. Pitch dark, school night not an adult in sight. And the people come along pissing and moaning when something happens children?? Some people need a strong dose of 'wake the fuck up'. Then again some people take looking after their children to ridiculous lengths. Whilst down my local at the weekend one mother and father pair wanted to spend so much time with their kiddies that the made them stay in the pub until half one in the morning when they all staggered home, the children half asleep, the parents half cut.



I suppose this whole story only works if you believe that someone other than the parents killed the child...I don't. I've watched enough CSI to recognise a simple case of infanticide when I see it. Just remember where you read it first.