Week One Of The New Relaunched BlogsByStephen

Well it's been (roughly) a week since the newly launched BlogsByStephen has hit t'internet and now's as good a time as any to review the past weeks developments. So what have we learned this week?? First of all I regaled you all with my technological advancements, then we had an ever popular dictogram which the Colonel correctly solved and then this site got it's first stalker. Yes at 01.19am RTFARTY proved yet again that with the birth of the artist (in this case me) comes the inevitable afterbirth that is the critic (RTFARTY). Over the following days RT proved that like a eunuch in a harem, i.e. he know's how it' done but can't do it himself, that it's so much easier to come up with nonsensical criticism and threats that he'll never be able to follow up on than in engage in reasoned debate. Then it struck me, checking my blog in the dead of the night, panties missing from my washing line, nude photos posted to my house....I've got a fucking stalker.



While flattered and slightly disturbed at this development I decided to use my powers as a Garda Reserve to track this sick fuck down and ram a red hot poker up his ass. While the fucking weirdo claims to know me (don't all stalkers claim to know their victims!!) I can assure RT that not only do I not know him/her but I never want to know him/her. In another one of RT's delusions he claims to be responsible for all the hits on this site. While not on the same scale as claiming to be the Son of God it's still fairly fucking out there, as the hundreds of perverts who regularly hit this site will verify. Also you delusional fuck Sitemeter has been broken for the last couple of days and has stopped registering hits (I presume that I'm getting so many hits I've broken Sitemeter).

In closing I've attached RT's details in the hope that he will not track me down and attempt to use my skin as some form or coat. FREAK!!!

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Larry David's Wife Is Called LAURIE David

I've long been of the belief that people should shut the fuck up. I think there's far too much talk out there today. People phone into talk radio shows and tell complete strangers the most intimate details of their private lives, people in work approach you and attempt to engage you in conversation, hell, even loved ones will badger you into a monosyllabic reply on occasion.

But it's not just normal people who talk too much, it's also celebrities. Take Sheryl Crow for example. I've long been an admirer of Ms Crow, both for her west coast, chilled out music and her surfer chick looks. However all that came to an abrupt end yesterday when I read this article in which Ms Crow detailed her toilet habits. She details in the article how one should use "only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required". One square??? I use half the fucking roll. Now maybe I'm not getting as much fibre as Sheryl but one square wouldn't put a dent in the mess I leave after me. I mean your talking at least half an acre of rain forest to get me clean. Then again maybe she's got an incredible tight sphincter which can guillotine that shit in two mid log. She'd have been very useful in the Dirty Protests in the H Blocks in the 80's, dispensing little parcels of shit to each protest or without the need to wipe.

I am a firm believer in Ying and Yang (not the two Siamese twins) and that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. So when Sheryl Crow wipes her hole in some pristine convenience in California I know that a man will be winding off half an armful in a dingy outhouse somewhere in Malafornia. No wonder Lance Armstrong dumped the crazy bitch.

Sopranos Series Three

I had a right touch of good fortune over the weekend, which is strange when you consider that if I fell into a barrel of tits I'd probably come up holding my mickey. I went into my local Xtravision to rent whatever passes for entertainment as decided by overpaid, talent deficient Hollywood Executives when what did I spy but Series Three Sopranos for rent. Renting box sets has to be one of the best and most initiative ideas to hit the Irish home entertainment industry since the Beta Max tape. It allows enthusiast's to spend entire weekends watching wall to wall coverage of their favourite series including 24, The Simpsons, Lost, Family Guy, Futureama, etc. See here to locate your nearest store. Needless to say I have added Series three to my collection and all for the princely sum of 6 euro, as opposed to 40 here.

Happy Days!!

Something For The Weekend??

After yesterdays non smut, technology related post I thought it was time to get back to the bread and butter of BlogsByStephen with a dictogram (pat pending!!). For those of you new to the BlogByStephen experience Dictograms are a series of crudely drawn pornographic hieroglyphs which when translated give a crude and sometimes pornographic message. For example, if you get a picture of a ladies breast with a "- t" after it could reasonably be expected that the message was "it", tit minus t equals it. As usual first correct poster wins and this weeks prize is a genuine bottle of Malafonian air (bottled in Killavullen!!). And remember, Say What You See!!!!

Cubapod

As many of you may know I loves the auld technology, from the tiny camera I have planted in the toilet bowl of the Malafornia Senior Ladies Beach Volleyball Teams changing room to the tiny camera I have planted in the top of my shoe for those discreet upskirt shots. But I recently came into a piece of technology that even I would struggle to use for sexual ends. That piece of techology is the Apple Ipod.

I received the Ipod in the form of a gift as I am too cheap to even continence the thought of spending upwards of 250 euro for anything. But what a fantastic piece of kit it is. It has 30 gigs of memory and has video capability. Even though I have yet to watch an entire movie end to end on the Ipod the resolution is fantastic. And the memory!! After three weeks (mostly of cataloguing) I've finally managed to get my entire music collection (1049 mp3 files) onto the Ipod. I've also placed a fully feature length movie (The Prestige) on (for illustration purposes only) and still have only used 4 gigs of space!! I'm using varying pieces of software to capture mp3 files but my favourite at the moment is the audio ripper in Nero Premium 7. I've also come across Xilisoft Premium package which could possibly be THE best bit of software I've ever used. I mainly use the Xilisoft for converting DVD to .mp4 format.

This is a long way of course form my original digital music player. The Jwin Jukem@n was also a gift and posses ed and magnificent 256mb of memory. I could get roughly 30 mp3 files onto the thing which did me perfectly well in shorter journeys. However the one fantastic thing about the Jukem@an was the fact that you could record wav files off the included FM radio. Now I know what your thinking, "the quality must me shit!!". Well interestingly if you get a good signal you can get close to stereo quality sound. I've used this function to build up an extensive collection of Gift Grub sketches, including ones never released on cd. I previously used such software as Audacity to edit and convert the wav files to mp3 format but am currently using the by far superior Nero Premium 7 Wave Editor.

I've also purchased a Belkin "Tunebase For Ipod" car kit for my Ipod. While initially excited with my purchase I was quickly brought down to earth with a bang. The Tunebase is plugged into your cigarette lighter and works by beaming a signal to a free FM frequency on your car radio. Now this would work fantastically well if you never drove anywhere, it would make your car slightly redundant but you'd get perfect quality sound!!! Let me illustrate the problem thusly.....2fm transmits throughout Ireland on 90-92fm. In one place it might be 90.1 in another it might be 91.8, basically if you set your Tunebase to a free frequency at the start of your journey it may not be free by the end and you have to put up with the likes of Gerry Ryan in your lug when you wanted the soothing sounds of Ladle Of Filth. However I've persevered and as I usually only go from points A to B during the normal course of my work day it's a simple matter of testing what frequencies suit your particular area best (for me it's 93.1fm).

I suppose the only real way to get uninterrupted high quality music from Ipod to radio is to have a wire going directly to the back of the car radio an option which I may look into down the line. For the moment however I'll make do with the limited Belkin Tunebase.

Great News For BlogsByStephen Readers

After my two month sabatical in the Eurasian Steppes where I communed with the nomadic goatherding tribesmen of Ulan Bator, after a shamanic sweat lodge with the native American Indian and after several nights on the batter in downtown Malfornia I would like to proudly announce that Cubaboy is back and ready to fill the internet with his own brand of off colour jokes, skillful wordplay and seamless photshopping.

After a deluge of correspondence (if no correspondence counts as a deluge) I have decided to give the whole internet thing one more chance. I promise that over the next few weeks I will flood these pages with all manner of delightful jape and bawdy story!!!

I'll tell you of my travels in the past two months, my plans to run for election in this years ah....election, my latest technology, dictograms!! and of course the obligatory full frontal nudity that has become part and parcel of the blogsbystephen experience. I'll also be introducing a special section where you can send in a photo of a friend of yours and blogsbystephen will photshop them into a sexual themed photo and develop a story around it.

It's going to be an exciting couple of months, join me in my quest to make the internet a little smuttier!!