Larry David's Wife Is Called LAURIE David

I've long been of the belief that people should shut the fuck up. I think there's far too much talk out there today. People phone into talk radio shows and tell complete strangers the most intimate details of their private lives, people in work approach you and attempt to engage you in conversation, hell, even loved ones will badger you into a monosyllabic reply on occasion.

But it's not just normal people who talk too much, it's also celebrities. Take Sheryl Crow for example. I've long been an admirer of Ms Crow, both for her west coast, chilled out music and her surfer chick looks. However all that came to an abrupt end yesterday when I read this article in which Ms Crow detailed her toilet habits. She details in the article how one should use "only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required". One square??? I use half the fucking roll. Now maybe I'm not getting as much fibre as Sheryl but one square wouldn't put a dent in the mess I leave after me. I mean your talking at least half an acre of rain forest to get me clean. Then again maybe she's got an incredible tight sphincter which can guillotine that shit in two mid log. She'd have been very useful in the Dirty Protests in the H Blocks in the 80's, dispensing little parcels of shit to each protest or without the need to wipe.

I am a firm believer in Ying and Yang (not the two Siamese twins) and that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. So when Sheryl Crow wipes her hole in some pristine convenience in California I know that a man will be winding off half an armful in a dingy outhouse somewhere in Malafornia. No wonder Lance Armstrong dumped the crazy bitch.