Brew Ha Ha - *Update*

Just a quick update on my current homebrew experiment. I took a hydrometer reading of the wine last night and got a reading of 1080. This is on day nine and per the recipe the fermenting should have stopped by now (a reading of 985). So as you can see, and as I predicted, the "14 Day Wine Kit" is a load of bollox. But since I knew this already and since Christmas is still a few weeks away we may be ok for operation Cubaboys-drunken-Christmas.








The recipe suggests that it should take seven days to ferment and a further seven days to clear, just to let you know how wrong that is, I normally let the wine ferment for a month and clear for three. But I reckon by taking an active part in the clearing process, ie constant decanting, we may (hopefully)have the cheeky little number ready for Yuletime!!

Brew Ha Ha

As many of you know I am a fully qualified master brewer who gave it all up for a life of absolute fucking drudgery sitting in front of a flickering pc for eigth hours a day purveying other people's misery and dealing with the most obnoxious people ever to walk God's green earth!!!! But anyway enough of my rantings, like many of you I use alcohol to sooth and regulate my moods, from angry in the morning, to less angry in the afternoon, to loved-up in the evening and crying in a naked and humilated heap at night. To this end I have decided to indulge my first passion, after looking at pictures of photoshoped celebreties, and start brewing again.

Now since my winery failed, due to the fact that I bought the bloody thing in Malafornia, I have had recourse to using a kit to produce my special brew. Now normally I would use a thirty day kit, which as anyone who has brewed will tell you is a joke. You may possibly be able to ferment the wine in thirty days but I like to leave it for at least three months to clear properly. Anyway due to a personal oversight I forgot to put a batch on for Christmas so I have had to resort to a 14 day kit. Will it be ready for Christmas??? Will Cubaboy be sober and alone (again) this Christmas or will it all end in a repeat of the underpant wearing, parent huging fiasco of a couple of years ago. Who knows??


Anway here's a picture of the yeast in before I added it to the concentrate, water and suger solution:





I like to start the yeast off in a cup with some water and sugar, it alomst guarantees fermentation will start immediately.


I also added three bags of sugar to the mix, more sugar (potientially) more alchohol.





I measured the specific gravity at 1080 and the potiental alcohol at between 13-14%, cheeky.





As of this posting the the wine is bubbling away nicely. Join me next week to see how my special brew is progressing

Nipples

If you ask me this country started going down the fucking pan when they started putting nipples on female manequins. This thought came to me last friday as I walked through the soon to be defunction Roches Stores on Patricks Street. Lined up in the corner were dozens of naked manequins, with scores of plastics nipples, staring at me. I'd love to know the reasoning in the first place behind putting nipples on dummies. I am aware that during the late nineties and the early years of this century that it became popular for women to wear tight fitting woolen garments through which their erected nipples protruded. I'd love to know what woman goes up to a top and says to herself, "Jaysus that top looks lovely......I wonder what me nipples look like in it???".

Now that it's no longer fashionable to display's one nipples we're going to be left with a lot of surplus nipples, a virtual nipple mountain if you will. I personally think the designers of mannequins should put their talents to better use by designing an anotomically correct male version. Think about it, if you're buying a new pair of underpants and you want to know what they'll look like first thing in the morning, if you know what I mean!!!!, a mannequin with a bodhan would be ideal. How about a new pair of slacks, want to know how it'll look if you hang to the right??? I would suggest a detachable mickey because different gentlemen have differently sized apendages. Imagine the scene, a lisping voice rings out over the tannoy in Debenhams, "Could I get a large mickey in aisle five pleathz". And lets face it, mickey's will never go out of fashion!!!

The Pikey Footballer

I had a right laugh this morning when I read this article. It's about football's next big thing Freddy Eastwood who plays for Southend United in the English Championship. The reasons for the headlines this week is that Eastwood's Southend knocked Manchester United out of the Carling Cup with Eastwood himself scoring the decisive goal.


Buyin' Or Sellin A Gate Boss???


Well it turns out that Eastwood is, to quote one poster on the above article, a "do-as-you-likey", or pikey. Now this article disgusts me. Would a similar article have been written if he was openly gay.....or a black....or a woman....or a gay, black, pikey woman???? I'd wager not. It's time we stopped judging people on their race and judged them on their personalities. I think you'll find if you take the time to get to know someone you'll find many more reasons to hate them.


According to the article Freddy turned down a chance to join United as a trialest because it was too far from his halting site. It begs the question.....is he a bad traveller???

As Simple As Walking Down The Street

Since the dawn of man and the construction of the most rudimentary dirt tracks man has been plauged by the common idiot. You know the type, you're in a bit of a rush to get somewhere and in front of you there's a middle age woman ambling along, zig zaging dangerously blocking you from overtaking?? Then after the rage builds to an appropriate level you dangerously overtake narrowly missing an oncoming refugee with triple buggy.

In the run up to Christmas I have decided to give you a couple of hints to avoid unnecessary footpath rage. First and foremost if you're in a rush leave in plenty of time and plan you're journey well in advance. You must never ever drink and walk. Did you know that on Patrick Street in the last year alone there were a hundred and seventy three incidents of drunken walking that ended in fatal walking into lampost injuries. This carange must be stopped....at some stage.


A handy tip I use when negotiating the local highways, and to a lesser extent byways, is stick to the outside of the footpath. The closer to the buidlings you are the higher the likelyhood that some fucking edjiit will walk out in front of you from the shop. You also let yourself open to the classic fool who will stop dead in front of you to look in the window of the shop forcing you into effasive manouevers to avoid him. By hogging the outside of the footpath you always give yourself the option of stepping into the road in an emergency. Remember, a pedestrian exerts his right of way on a road by placing his foot on the road. However if I'm driving on the road I disreagrd that shit and see you as a legitimate target.

Another classic footpath deweler is the buggy pushing mommy. Ohh we've all had our experinces with this one whether it be rolled on toes or stuck behind them for an interminable amount of time. However if you get a bolshie lady you can really get places quickly. It's the ambulance on the road theorey. All cars part for an ambulance, therefore get directly behind the ambulance and you're away on a hack.


As part of my election campaign for next year I propose to put lanes on footpaths to avoid any confusion. Three lanes, the first closest to the buidlings is for people who want to go into a shop or people who want a meander, or for people who don't have a fucking clue what they want. The middle lane for people who know where they're going but aren't going there fast enough. And the third, closest to the road for overtaking. Now this system will have to be policed so I will literally employ thousands of "foot soldiers" equiped with slash hooks and tasers to mete out on the spot justice.

Happy and safe walking!!

Tribute

Tenacious D have a song called Tribute in which they detail the greatest song ever written, however the song that they sing is not the greatest song ever written but at tribute to it. Similarly this post is a tribute to the second greatest film I've seen all year, Slither.




If you like your horror with organ eating aliens, dopey sherif's and foul mouthed mayors this film is for you. This film is in the mode of classic fifties shocker films and in many ways is a homage to the genre. A cracking soundtrack throughout which culminates in The Yahoo's "Baby I Love You (But Leave Me The Fuck Alone)", this really is the best comedy/horror film of 2006.


If I was to rate films on some form of celestial rating scale I'd probably give this film four stars. If you only do one thing today, RENT THIS FILM!!!