As Simple As Walking Down The Street
Since the dawn of man and the construction of the most rudimentary dirt tracks man has been plauged by the common idiot. You know the type, you're in a bit of a rush to get somewhere and in front of you there's a middle age woman ambling along, zig zaging dangerously blocking you from overtaking?? Then after the rage builds to an appropriate level you dangerously overtake narrowly missing an oncoming refugee with triple buggy.
In the run up to Christmas I have decided to give you a couple of hints to avoid unnecessary footpath rage. First and foremost if you're in a rush leave in plenty of time and plan you're journey well in advance. You must never ever drink and walk. Did you know that on Patrick Street in the last year alone there were a hundred and seventy three incidents of drunken walking that ended in fatal walking into lampost injuries. This carange must be stopped....at some stage.
A handy tip I use when negotiating the local highways, and to a lesser extent byways, is stick to the outside of the footpath. The closer to the buidlings you are the higher the likelyhood that some fucking edjiit will walk out in front of you from the shop. You also let yourself open to the classic fool who will stop dead in front of you to look in the window of the shop forcing you into effasive manouevers to avoid him. By hogging the outside of the footpath you always give yourself the option of stepping into the road in an emergency. Remember, a pedestrian exerts his right of way on a road by placing his foot on the road. However if I'm driving on the road I disreagrd that shit and see you as a legitimate target.
Another classic footpath deweler is the buggy pushing mommy. Ohh we've all had our experinces with this one whether it be rolled on toes or stuck behind them for an interminable amount of time. However if you get a bolshie lady you can really get places quickly. It's the ambulance on the road theorey. All cars part for an ambulance, therefore get directly behind the ambulance and you're away on a hack.
As part of my election campaign for next year I propose to put lanes on footpaths to avoid any confusion. Three lanes, the first closest to the buidlings is for people who want to go into a shop or people who want a meander, or for people who don't have a fucking clue what they want. The middle lane for people who know where they're going but aren't going there fast enough. And the third, closest to the road for overtaking. Now this system will have to be policed so I will literally employ thousands of "foot soldiers" equiped with slash hooks and tasers to mete out on the spot justice.
Happy and safe walking!!
In the run up to Christmas I have decided to give you a couple of hints to avoid unnecessary footpath rage. First and foremost if you're in a rush leave in plenty of time and plan you're journey well in advance. You must never ever drink and walk. Did you know that on Patrick Street in the last year alone there were a hundred and seventy three incidents of drunken walking that ended in fatal walking into lampost injuries. This carange must be stopped....at some stage.
A handy tip I use when negotiating the local highways, and to a lesser extent byways, is stick to the outside of the footpath. The closer to the buidlings you are the higher the likelyhood that some fucking edjiit will walk out in front of you from the shop. You also let yourself open to the classic fool who will stop dead in front of you to look in the window of the shop forcing you into effasive manouevers to avoid him. By hogging the outside of the footpath you always give yourself the option of stepping into the road in an emergency. Remember, a pedestrian exerts his right of way on a road by placing his foot on the road. However if I'm driving on the road I disreagrd that shit and see you as a legitimate target.
Another classic footpath deweler is the buggy pushing mommy. Ohh we've all had our experinces with this one whether it be rolled on toes or stuck behind them for an interminable amount of time. However if you get a bolshie lady you can really get places quickly. It's the ambulance on the road theorey. All cars part for an ambulance, therefore get directly behind the ambulance and you're away on a hack.
As part of my election campaign for next year I propose to put lanes on footpaths to avoid any confusion. Three lanes, the first closest to the buidlings is for people who want to go into a shop or people who want a meander, or for people who don't have a fucking clue what they want. The middle lane for people who know where they're going but aren't going there fast enough. And the third, closest to the road for overtaking. Now this system will have to be policed so I will literally employ thousands of "foot soldiers" equiped with slash hooks and tasers to mete out on the spot justice.
Happy and safe walking!!
posted by Unknown at
12:31
3 Comments:
One of the oldest laws of the land here actually stems for our British subjugation, that we walk as well as drive on the left hand side of a pedestrian walkway where possible and give way by keeping left.
I consiously walk on the left and stare down people who attempt to walk against me.
Naturally I approve of your proposed reformation and as defense minister, I would gladly use the FCA to police the pedways (it's not like they'd be doing anthing more useful).
The number of utter idiots in the city where I am defies belief. I'd go further than the slash hook and taser approach - I'd use a high power chainsaw or some other power cutting implement to clear the path.
Your policy is a clear vote winner.
Thermal detonators perhaps?
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