Cubaboy To Run For Election In '07

After much personal reflection and serious conversation with my family I have decided to run in next years general election. As I do not subscribe to any of the mainstream parties, or any of the either right or left wing parties, philosophies I have decided to create my own party (yet to be named). My polocies have been described by some as draconian, by others as slightly insane. I hope, over the next seven months of campaigning to spell out exactly what Cubaboy stands for.

Firstly and most importantly if elected I promise to take bribes from absolutely anyone. I promise to do favours for the highest bidder and ignore the poor and sick.

Secondly I ahve decided taht a program of genocide is to be undertaken. I have noticed over my thirty years on this planet that there are two kinds of people, the kind that meanders through life half a sleep and the rest of us. You know the kind of person I mean, the person who at a till will take twenty minutes to have a little chat with the cashier despite their being a long queue behind them. The kind of person who meanders in front of you (slowly) when you're trying to get from point A to point B in the quickest time. The kind of person who drives at thirty miles an hour no matter what the road type. I have done exhaustive tests and have decided that seventy per cent of the population must be eliminated to progress the remaining thirty percent to greater heights. Imagine what we could do if we didn't have to put up with these half wits.

Thirdly if I am elected, and possibly if I'm not, I promise to remove the so called president of this country. I refer to her as so called because she was never actually elected to a second term in office. that's right, and unelected dictator holds the highest office in this country. And she rules this country like a tryant. Only last week she issued a statement stating that Irish people should drink at funtions, what next we should breath so much air to give the tree's a rest. Down with this despicable regime I say.

My party is only burdgoning at the moment but I will accept applications for membership for everyone. I'd get in early if I were you, when I get into power chances are your going to be killed.


Thank you and I hope I can count on your vote !!!






Bertie is a thief, I gave Bertie Ahern a bribe, money for political favours, Bertie is a crook

Blessed Be The Stingray

As many of you already know, and if you don't I'm sorry to be the barer of bad news, Crocodile Hunter and all round pain in the hole Steve Irwin went to the great bilabong in the sky last week after getting overly familar with an animal which was happily going about it's business. It was with absolute revulsion that I read today that the bloody Australians are only going around seeking revenge from the offending sting rays brothers, sisters and possibly cousins.

In the vein of dopey 'strailians I suggest that American's seek out and kill cheese burgers that killed Elvis (or else the hard shit he was trying to force out when he had a banger), Canadians destroy all cigarettes that led to Yul Brenner's lung cancer and The English should stop high speed chases in Parisan tunnels!!!

To be honest the sting ray was only living out the fantasy of every crocodile, parrot and otter in Australia when it did for auld Steve and in my opinion deserves a George Cross, or whatever that colonial outpost's highest award is??!?!

F**K Off, I'm Fat

A few weeks ago in the middle of a televison flicking malaise I happened upon BBC Three and a show called "F**k Off, I'm Fat", the show was fronted by larger than life funny man Ricky Grover. Now I like Ricky Grover, or should I say I liked Ricky Grover. In this show he put forward the fact that in five years time 70% of the UK's population would be obese and the theorey that society should make provison now for that day.

Now, I have nothing against fat people, some of the people I bullied at school were fat, but this show made my already high pressured blood boil. Mr Grover, like every other fat cunt had the same old lame defense that "I've tried every diet but nothing works", as he piled a jumbo mars bar and packet of Walkers crips into his gob. Then ordering some salmon and cheese dish.....twice.

One way society is apparently descriminating against the morbidly obese is that car manufacturers are not making cars big enough. To prove this point he teamed up with a twenty eight stone woman who likes to drive fast cars....if she could find a car to accomodate her. They eventually rigged up a Jag so she drive around a race track....slowly. Here's a staggering fact, twenty eight stone people should'nt exist, let alone be allowed behind the wheel of a car.

Fair grounds as well don't cater for the tubby set. Again an almost thirty stone woman complained that she couldn't get on the rides, missus, your fucking lucky you can walk down to the post office to cash you disability giro!!!

Finally Ricky oversaw the installation of Britain's fist "Big Bog" with is capable of withstanding weights of one ton....imagine the size of the shit that would come out of a one ton person. The plumbing alone couldn't possibly handle it. Imagin swimming in Santa Ponza and having a twelve foot floater sail by???!!?!?!?

I think fat people should be discrimiunated against. Their laziness pushes up our health premiums, overburdens our health system and what's the story with fat young wan's wearing next to nothing on hot days.....it turns my fucking stomach.

Did you know if you are a kilo overweight in your luggage while going on holiday that you will have to pay excess baggage, but if some thirty odd stone heifer waddles up to the desk they don't have to pay a bob for the extra rolls of fat they're carrying.

It's time we put our feet down and said "No more cake for you fatty!"