Start A Nightclass In '06

It's that time of year again when there's a bit of a stretch in the evening and people are venturing out again and discovering the delights of a Spring evening stroll. It's also the time when your local secondary school starts enrollment for night classes such as "Macrame for Thelidamide's" and "Mould Appreciation For Beginners". Well not to be outdone I've decided to put something back into my community by running a "Self Offense" class.

Now I don't mean I teach you to go around and call yourself a Bollox and hit yourself, no, in my special ten week course I teach you the ancient art of Self Offense. During time I spent with a family of Irish Gypo's, or "pavees" as they like to be known, I learned the age old art of Self Offense. From the subtle Testicle Gouge to the more invasive Thumb In The Hole. Whether your just a beginner or a more advanced student I have a class to suit you. And Self Offense isn't just a physcial art, no, by simply not washing for several weeks and rolling in dog shit it's amazing just how many people will avoid you.

In these uncertain days when danger lurks around every corner you must be able to defend yourself and your family. Well what better form of defense than attack. Now Cubaboy's Self Offense (Tm) is menat to be used only in situations where it's absolutely necessary but I'm not too strict so if you want to run up behind an auld dear and give her my pattened running kick to the back of the knee then I won't be too bothered. In fact I'd encourage it, you never know when the aged will stop you on the street and attempt conversation. I'd like to see and auld biddy pass the time of day whilst grasping the part of her body where her knee used to be.

Classes begin at eight next Tuesday night in Mallow GAA hall. Students and OAP's need not apply and there's a concession for hot women in leotards.